fear + surrender

Have you ever had a lightbulb moment? Where all of a sudden, it's like a lightbulb is flicked on and you see a situation in a completely different light. I had a total lightbulb moment this past weekend. We had our church's annual women's retreat, which I would describe in one word as... no, I don't think it's possible to describe it in just one word. It was uplifting, refreshing, challenging, heartbreaking, overwhelming, Holy Spirit-filled and full full full of Biblical teaching, delicious food, sweet fellowship, and beautiful worship. There are few things that make me cry like sitting in the midst of a worship service with fellow believers; that is one of my most favorite things.

There were so many nuggets of wisdom, advice, and truth that came out of this past weekend, but the one that really hit me was about fear. I realized that SO much of what I do AND don't do revolves around fear. This was the first part of my lightbulb moment. I am such a Type A + control freak + peace keeper that I fear so many things and the words "taking a risk" are hardly in my vocabulary. Give me comfortable, predictable, routine...please and thank you. But as one of the women during the weekend was sharing about fear, she said something that had never even crossed my mind.

What could fear be holding you back from? Are you missing out on something beautiful/inspiring/breathtaking because of fear?

Woah. What friendships, moments, sunrises, conversations, blessings have I missed out on in my life because I was too afraid to reach out and be a friend? Because I was too afraid it might be awkward? Because I was too afraid of bears? Because I was too afraid of failing? Because I was too afraid of not looking like I have it all together?

So often I sit and pray for God to bring something into my life - friendships, adventure, passion - and I feel like I've been wondering and waiting for so long, thinking, "God, why aren't you answering me?!" But now I'm starting to see that maybe He has these things ready and waiting for me, but I need to be the one to pursue them. I need to stop sitting in fear and start standing in surrender, knowing that sure, something scary could still happen, some situation could still be really awkward, but at least in surrendering to Him, He's got my back and He knows what He's doing. And in that there is no fear, only peace.

"...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." - Hebrews 12:1

life as mama

First of all, thanks for all the love after my last post! It means everything to me to have such great encouragers and people who push me and challenge me. I really mean that.

My baby will be 1 year old in two days! A whole year! A year ago, I was waddling around the house, whipping up freezer meals and scrubbing the tub because I knew that once the baby was born, things like cleaning and cooking would come to a halt for awhile. This past year has really flown by, but when do I not say that? I think life will always seem to move at pace that is two notches too fast, so I'm learning to soak in the moments and the days. Was it Anne Lammott that said, "The days are long, but the years are short"? Maybe not, but somebody said that and ever since Jack came into our lives, that quote is so true. While I have learned immense amounts about motherhood this past year, I feel like I'm still growing into it. We have great routine days (which I love) and spending my days feeding and playing with and caring for Jack are genuinely enjoyable with a lot fewer, "I don't know what you want" statements. But sometimes when I'm sitting on the cold wood floor in his room watching him play (i.e. pull everything out of his dresser drawers), it's still hard for me to imagine that this is the rest of my life. Yes, it's true what "they" say about being a mother; it's incredibly rewarding and your heart swells with more love than you ever thought possible. But I still find myself dreaming of my life before I was a mama which inevitably turns into a big guilt fest which quickly fades because Jack starts belly laughing at a stuffed animal which makes me feel like I've been given the greatest gift in the world which reminds me just how much work it is to raise a child which makes me want a break...and 'round and 'round.

After graduating from college, it was a bit of a bumpy ride for me adjusting to real life. Up until that point, all I had known in life was school. Events were planned around school, things were learned in school, friends were made at school, goals were set because of school. While in school, no matter what grade, there was always something to strive after - grades, tests, extracurricular activities, graduation. And then suddenly after graduating from college, there was no school and nothing to work towards and I honestly felt lost. Even after getting a "real life" job, it still felt like I had nothing to work toward. But I eventually settled into the new way of life; it just took much longer than I ever expected.

So maybe it's the same with motherhood. Will there come a time when I feel settled in this new role and can look back on life before motherhood with fond memories, but knowing that what I have now is so much better? And the thing is, I know that what I have now is such a gift and is so incredibly precious. It's just that, when my head hits the pillow at night, it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I have an almost-one-year-old who someday will be 5 and 14 and 22(!). It's hard to imagine the seasoned mothers I know feeling like this since mothering seems to exude from them in the form of hearty casseroles, handmade sock monkeys, larger-than-life faith in the midst of trials, and a general ease and contentedness in their role of being a mother. But I'm sure they would all say, "Been there!"

I never really understood how something so exhausting, stressful, and painful could also be so joyous, rewarding, and satisfying. It's like when, after a hard workout, someone says, "It hurts so good." Yeah, motherhood is like that...times 10. I think the biggest thing I have learned this past year, and maybe I've said this before, but it bears repeating in my mind. A common piece of advice I heard shortly before and after giving birth was, "Enjoy the time because it goes by so quickly," which is good advice. But something that really helped me was to remember that even the times that weren't so enjoyable (the nightly feedings every 2 hours, the time the vacuum was the only pacifier, the cry fest during a road trip) pass just as quickly. Everything is for a season, the good and the bad. Eventually that baby will sleep through the night, become more content and just like that they are an almost-walking inquisitive 1 year old who eats half of your scrambled eggs at breakfast.

So, (and I'm preaching to myself here!) soak in the moments - the good ones, the bad ones, the messy ones, the giggly ones - because that's where life is and that's where memories are made.

home

With summer in full swing, my days with an 8 month old seem to fill up much more quickly than I ever expected. I love this season of warm days, green grass, and "sunsets about 9." (I've always loved that Brad Paisley lyric.) And while much of my days are spent thinking about what new food to have Jack try or where we should go for a walk or how to make him laugh, lately my mind has been on the thought of "home."

Today my parents are moving out of the house I grew up in and away from my hometown. Although we moved around a couple of times while I was growing up, this place, six miles east of Marshall on four acres, has been home for the last 16 years.

This is where...
I went through the awkward teenage years
I learned to mow the lawn with a riding lawn mower
I grew to love living in the country, even if it meant riding my bike the 6 miles into town when Mom and Dad "wouldn't" give me a ride
I grew to love living in a small town
countless sleepovers and movie nights happened in the basement
we learned to say, "It'd be such a nice day if it wasn't so windy"
we could gauge how bad a blizzard was on whether or not we could see the mailbox
we frosted dozens of sugar cookies every Christmas
we repainted the downstairs bathroom 5 times
we took piano lessons
5-year-old Conner puked all over the stairs
the most dreaded chore was picking up sticks in the spring after the snow was gone
I was sick with a high fever for 6 days in Jr. High
we started the tradition of the "7th Grade Party"
my friends threw me a surprise party for my 21st birthday
I first heard about Lost Timber Bible Camp, where I met Tim
all our graduation parties were held in the garage
Dad read devotions after dinner
my sister and I got ready for prom
Tim proposed to me
we announced we were having a baby
where life has happened for 16 years

Ultimately, my parents moving is a good thing and has been a long time coming. Dad has been commuting 2 hours one-way for 5 long years. Mom has had her fair share of "snow emergencies" while Dad wasn't home. This needs to happen. And how it all happened is sort of a long story, but one that you look back on and can so clearly see God working through all the ups and downs. There truly is much to be thankful for, but it doesn't mean it's easy. Jack and I took one last trip home in June so I could clean out my closet and the storage tubs under my bed, which of course held countless treasures and memories. What's funny is that I was so preoccupied with taking care of Jack and going through my old stuff, that when I left I didn't really even think about it being my last time home until a ways down the road. But maybe it's better that way.

What's sort of crazy is that my parents are actually moving back to the city where we lived for 8 years during my early childhood. So while most of my kindergarten friends aren't there any more, it's unique in that my parents already have connections - some of their closest friends live just 5 minutes down the road. It's the polar opposite of the time we moved to Phoenix, AZ; the people, the landscape, the roads, and the restaurants are familiar, which will hopefully make it feel a little more like home a little faster.

You always hear people talk about how "home is wherever you make it" or "home isn't a house, it's the people," which I think is true to some extent, but I can't help but wonder what it will feel like to go "home" to a house I've never been to on a street that's not gravel. Or to walk down a Main Street that's unfamiliar with parallel parked cars I don't recognize. And as with any life change, there will come a new normal, but the acreage east of Marshall will always hold much of my heart and many of my memories.

Today I am...

Many thoughts are running through my head this morning, realizing that a lot has happened on this weekend in the past and I have much to be thankful for.

THANKFUL FOR

+ the sun that has finally come out from behind the endless rain clouds

+ friends and new babies

+ the newest edition to the Miller clan, Henry Michael

+ my mama
+ my almost 6-month-old boy who is getting so big
+ art projects and finally getting some things hung on the wall in Jack's room

REMINISCING ABOUT

+ 5 years ago - graduating from college
+ 2 years ago - preparing to move into our first house
+ 2 years ago - celebrating Mandy graduating from nursing school

+ 1 year ago - hearing Jack's heart beat for the first time

+ 1 year ago - leaving for our big Yellowstone/Grand Tetons trip and spending my *first* Mother's Day watching buffalo graze in Lamar Valley

life lessons // perspective

I am not surprised that since having a baby life has seemed to move faster than ever. Not only do the days and weeks seem to fly by, but things like eating and grocery shopping now only occur in hyper-mode since my boy's happiness trumps all. This was one of those things that everyone told me about, but you just don't really understand it until you're going through it. For the past almost-6-months, I haven't felt a sense of calm or relaxation. There are moments of rest when I feel like I can catch my breath, but the crazy far outweighs the calm. And for many weeks, I would think, "This is my life now. I will never eat my scrambled eggs in peace again. Tim and I will never have regular date nights without it being a production. I might not have a full night of sleep for years...etc. etc. etc." And then I start thinking, "And we only have one kid. It's only going to get harder and crazier from here on out!" I hate to admit this, but have even been moments when I've seen retired people having coffee at Target or working in their yard and envied them and the fact that they can take. their. time.

But God knows exactly what I need and when I need it. This past weekend, the women in our church got together for a retreat. It was a refreshing time of fellowship and God's word. It was my first time away from Jack for more than three hours, and it was just what I needed. Many people asked me if it was hard to leave him. Honestly, no. I knew he would be at home with Tim, safe and sound. And I knew I needed the time away to sit quietly, soak up the Word, and BEHOLD my Savior.

I came away with many nuggets of wisdom and things to work on (we studied the Proverbs 31 woman...hello), but one thing that I have already stuck in my Bible and want to read every morning is a passage that was shared Saturday morning. It's a version of Psalm 23.

THE LORD IS MY PACEMAKER

The Lord is my pacemaker - I shall not rush
He makes me stop and rest for quiet intervals
He provides me with images of stillness,
Which restore my serenity
He leads me in the ways of efficiency
Through calmness of mind,
And His guidance is peace

Even though I have a great many things to accomplish each day
I will not fret
For His presence is here
His timelessness, His importance
Will keep me in balance

He prepares refreshment and renewal
In the midst of my activity,
By anointing my mind
With oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows

Surely harmony and effectiveness
Shall be the fruits of my hours
For I shall walk in His house forever

Yes, my evenings of taking an hour to make an elaborate supper, mornings of sleeping in on Saturday mornings, and afternoons of reading and blogging may be over, it is only for a season. But I don't want to just merely view this as a season I have to get through. I want to enjoy this season with a joyous energy! Enjoy the fact that I'm blessed to spend everyday caring for my baby boy. Enjoy the fact that Jack hungry enough to eat two times in the middle of the night. Enjoy the fact that he weighs enough to make my back ache by the end of the day. Enjoy the fact that Tim and I now have to work as a team to get supper on the table. Enjoy the fact that when I do get a few minutes of "down time", it seems like such a huge gift. And enjoy the fact that date nights now look more like a bon fire in the backyard after Jack goes to bed. Blessings! Not just things to muddle through, but things that God has blessed me with! For I know that one day when I am retired and working in my garden, I will see a young mom pushing a stroller and wish I could get these precious, precious days back.

march :: a recap

Honestly, I'm glad March is behind us. I've just never been a fan of that "in-between" month. And even though I know April can be just as flippant with it's spring-like weather, just being able to say that it's April makes me feel better. Looking at the forecast for this week is a prime example: rain and thunderstorms yesterday, snow last night, sun tomorrow, snow on Friday, then sunny and 50s for the weekend. Talk about bi-polar.

In March…

• had a house full of family
• dedicated our baby to the Lord, which apparently really tired him out
• started cloth diapering, and so far I love it
• took Jack outside for the first time without having to bundle him up
• finally captured Jack's smile when he sees himself in a mirror
• had to dig the snow boots back out for a few days
• after weeks of a happy baby who slept through the night and take regularly scheduled naps, Jack seemed to regress to his 3-week-old self. Thought it was teeth = nope. Growth spurt = maybe. Payback for having too much pride that my baby was sleeping so well = probably.
• went home for a weekend so I could catch my breath/take some naps
• gave Jack a bath in the kitchen sink
• celebrated cousin Evie's 2nd birthday which meant bug tattoos for everyone, even the babe

Not pictured…

• Tim working/writing/studying like crazy for his grad school classes
• three stroller rides around the neighborhood for Jack on the nice days
• design projects for church and various weddings
• cleaning out my room at home and finding old high school art projects, diaries, key chains, and a jewelry box full of 2-dollar bills
• taking a nap in the sunroom for the first time this year
• watching classic Sesame Street episodes on Netflix with Jack
• chopped 10 inches off my hair
• our new evening routine after Jack is asleep: being in bed by 8:30 with mugs of hot tea, books, and Scrabble on the iPad

all in a year

 

A year ago today, we found out we were having a baby and this picture was taken. A year ago! Crazy what can happen in a year. Fast forward to today…

…and I've got the cutest almost-4-months-old baby boy. And I'm so happy. I feel like it has taken awhile to get used to, and I know I've still got so many things to learn, but I'm starting to settle into the role of being a mother. As I'm sure any new mother can agree with, the days can seem endless and a constant cycle of feeding, changing, playing, holding, walking, and rocking. These are the days when any extra goals and tasks are done in short bursts between naps, and sometimes not even then when things like eating lunch and getting a quick nap take precedent over anything else. That used to bother me - to not have anything to "show" for my days spent at home. Sometimes not even loading or unloading the dishwasher. But my perspective has shifted and now instead of rushing through the nap routine so I can lay Jack down and cross off things on my to-do list, sometimes we just cuddle and I let him sleep in my arms because I know these days are going to fly by. I feel like I'm going to blink, and he'll be going to kindergarten. Just the thought of that makes me a little teary eyed.

I never knew how much I could love this little boy. I know first-time parents say this all the time, but I'm finding out just how true it is. Any time I hear a song or read something about babies growing up and cherishing the moments, I'm usually reduced to a puddle on the floor. My heart goes crazy and it's all I can do to restrain myself from sneaking into Jack's nursery and waking him up from his nap because I just love him. so. much. Yes, I am a sappy and proud mama and while I wish sometimes that I could slow down time, I know exciting things are ahead in the coming year - first foods, first words, crawling, walking, talking, and his first birthday cake. Crazy what can happen in a year.

blessings and worship and a baby

Oh hello, little blog! So glad you're still here after my 8 week hiatus due to a cute little somebody coming into our lives. It has been the happiest/craziest/hardest/most exhausting 8 weeks I've ever experienced, and I knew it would be but you never truly know and understand until your in the trenches of pain, 2 am feedings, worry, puke, and diapers. But more on all that later…

It is a balmy -21 degrees with a windchill of -47 degrees today. The fireplace is roaring and Jack and I are preparing to have a long snuggle/nap session this afternoon to the tune of The Office and fleece blankets. I've already eaten breakfast, showered, and nursed Jack, who is now snoozing in his swing, so I'm feeling particularly productive and cozy on this Monday morning. Just within the past week, Jack is starting to get into a little routine and I've been able to count on things like eating, quiet time, naps, and checking my email. It's been awesome, and something I am not taking for granted! I read this this morning in "My Utmost for His Highest":

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love gift. Take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. If you hoard a thing for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded. God will never let you hold a spiritual thing for yourself, it has to be given back to Him that He may make it a blessing to others.

I couldn't help but think that the blessing the text talked about was this new little life God has given us. We must commit him and his life to the Lord so He can do great things through Jack.Yes, as a mother I'd love to keep him under my wing of protection to shield him from the hurt, pain, and trials of this world, but as parents we are commanded to dedicate our child to God, the one who gave us this blessing in the first place.

I am so amazed at how much joy and pride my baby brings me. I honestly think he is the cutest baby boy I've ever seen. :) And yes, for the first few weeks, he didn't do much except eat, sleep, poop, and cry. But just within the past week or so, he's started cracking smiles, cooing, and showing us how strong he is with his crazy kicking. It's crazy how much my heart bursts when he looks up at me and cracks a little side grin and then lets out a little gurgle. I have LOVED the newborn stage where it's all about a tiny, cuddly baby, but I'm so excited for this next phase of development - when he's still small and cuddly, but also so smiley and responsive. Love it!

3 years ago

Today is our three year anniversary. Crazy how much happens in three years! We've started jobs, quit jobs, moved to a new city, bought a house, taken countless road trips, and, as of last night, set up a crib for our first baby. We've learned lessons the hard way, how to love each other better, what it means to be selfless, and that marriage takes a lot of work but is worth it. It's been a great adventure so far and I can't wait to see what the next 50 years has in store.

I will love you my whole life; you, and no other.

on motherhood + fear

With just a few short months left before I'm fully plunged into motherhood, the bliss of a good pregnancy is slowly being replaced by fears of the unknown and what-ifs. Based on this post, you may think that I've totally got this whole mom thing figured out and am forging into the unknown armed with confidence and understanding. Not true. I am fearful and nervous and full of questions.

How will be able to cook a full meal? Will I have time for design projects? How will I handle the overwhelming task and responsibility of caring for a tiny human being? Will our marriage change, for better or worse?

And then there's maybe the biggest of them all: I am so scared about the heart-crushing love I will have (and already do) for my baby, my child. The love that will make me my heart ache when they cry; the love that will keep me up at night thinking what if that would have been my child in that car crash; the love that will suddenly turn up my awareness of kidnappings; the love that will make me want to keep them locked safe inside our house to protect them from the harms of this world; the love that will make me encourage them to follow their dreams, even if that means traveling across the country to go to college.

This is what I've been thinking about lately, and at times the weight of it all is almost unbearable. I need to learn to live on my knees before my God who will be there every step of the way. And I need to get over my pride of not wanting to ask for help. Otherwise, I may not get any sleep for the next 18+ years.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpassed all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

To these promises I will cling.

on being real

Everything always seems to look so perfect in the blogging world. Pretty women with interesting lives, happy babies, killer style sense, and a witty joke to boot. And that's where I struggle with this whole blogging thing. I started this blog so I would have an outlet for writing, creativity, and everyday thoughts and happenings. I've always loved to journal/keep a diary, and while having a blog is a super way to do that + put pictures with my thoughts (which I love), it feels a little too vulnerable to pen my thoughts on the days when I've had a rough day or when I'm angry or when all I want to do is sink into the couch and cry.

But I have this thing for "realness." It's my favorite. I have always been drawn to people who are real, who don't put on a front. I admire those people. And I would like to be known in the same way.

I say all of this to say that in my being real and sharing my thoughts about the not-so-good days, I'm not looking for sympathy, but more for encouragement and wisdom. I'm not one to ask for help or even to voice what's wrong, but that's something I need to get over. Easier said than done, of course. I shouldn't shut people out just because I'm scared of looking needy or stupid. And I don't have to look like I have it all together all the time. After all, no one can read my mind and the only way to receive help is to ask for it. And in my limited life experience a). there's always someone who's going through the same growing pains as me and b). that person never thinks I'm needy or stupid, and is always willing to listen and come along side of me.

So tonight, at the end of this long week, I have a weary and tired heart. Things like uncertainty, loneliness, and feelings of not being good enough have been wearing me down. Even as I'm writing this, I'm shaking my head thinking, "Who am I to complain?! I have SO much to be thankful for when so many others are suffering. And I'm whining about having no friends? I'm so pathetic." And so the cycle continues.

Lord, you know my heart and I take such comfort in that. You also know the future and I know that you've promised to prosper me and guide me. You know my frustrations and my worries. You store up my tears in a jar. God, I pray for patience and peace, and that you'll keep teaching me how to speak up when I need help or advice or prayer. That's why you've given me brothers and sisters in Christ - to lean on and learn from. Thank you for your blessings that surround me daily. I never want to take them for granted. I love you.

forecasting grief

I am by nature a worrier. It's never kept me from anything (i.e. getting on a plane, moving 1,000 miles away for college, driving through a blizzard), but it does occupy a lot of my daily thought time. I know that it shouldn't, but it does. And lately, I feel like it's been on hyperdrive thanks to the endless coverage of crime after terrible, terrifying crime. With each breaking headline the past few weeks, my heart has broken and tears have fallen; it is hard to comprehend the extreme pain that countless families, friends, neighbors, and relatives around the nation are experiencing thanks to a few seconds of foolishness.

Often times, all this sadness and loss makes me wonder and worry about what I could lose. What if Tim gets in a car accident on the way to work? What if I make a good friend here and then she ends up moving away? What if we have a baby someday and _______ goes wrong? What if...?

These thoughts just start snowballing into each other until I'm reminded that God has a master plan for my life, plans to give me hope and a future. And that these thoughts of worry should not hold me back from living a full life because I am not to live my life in a spirit of fear. I love Elisabeth Elliot's words about the business of "forecasting grief":

Is it our business to pry into what may happen tomorrow? It is a difficult and painful exercise which saps the strength and uses up the time given us today. Once we give ourselves up to God, shall we attempt to get hold of what can never belong to us - tomorrow? Our lives are His, our times in his hand, He is Lord over what will happen, never mind what may happen. When we prayed, "Thy will be done," did we suppose He did not hear us? He heard indeed, and daily makes our business His and partakes of our lives. If my life is once surrendered, all is well. Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand but would be safer in mine! Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If I peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now.

Jesus did not promise that this journey called life would be easy, smooth, and without pain - that's what happens in a broken and sinful world. But He has promised to never give us more than we can handle and to walk with us through the storms. I need to remember that.

the art of being busy

I love to be busy. I always have. I remember when I was in 6th grade I had a fever that lasted nearly a week. And on day 3 or 4 of being home from school, I begged my mom to let me go and said that I really didn't feel that bad. Or at work, the thing I dread the most in nearly every job I've had is those quiet, I-have-nothing-left-on-my-to-do-list days. Doing "nothing" is hard for me. And whether this is right or not, I feel so much more productive when I have a long to-do list.

I'm realizing that this has been why life post-college has seemed so...unproductive. One of the biggest reasons I loved (and sometimes hated) college was each day was jam packed with class, work, lunch with the girls, projects, and homework. It felt so good to have daily, weekly, monthly goals and to be working towards and for something - a degree and diploma. I would literally plan out each hour of my day in order to get everything done. And I remember going to bed at night exhausted, but fulfilled.

Fast-forward three years to right now and I feel like my life is the exact opposite. The earliest I ever have to be to up is 7:00 am; I never have work outside of work; lunch dates have turned into occasional phone dates; and since I've been blessed with a husband whose spiritual gift is cleaning, about the only big thing on my list each night that I feel I have to do is make supper and walk the dog. And although each day has its own goals - grocery shopping, wash the car, vacuum - it's almost like those things don't feel enough like work to me.

Okay, it sounds like I'm complaining, but really I'm not. I know that I have been richly blessed with so many things and opportunities that I do not deserve, but I'm just trying to find my way in this new phase of life. And although this may sound counterintuitive, the less things I have to do, the less productive I am. You would think that since I have all this spare time and energy that I'd be adding projects to my list left and right. But I don't. I get complacent and lazy when I'm out of the routine of being busy.

So new goal: add things to my to-do list, big or small. There are big things that I've been dreaming about doing for awhile now and the fear of failure and the unknown has been holding me back. There are small things that stare me in the face everyday. I need to quit waiting for everything to be perfect because it never will be. I just need to start...and nows the time.

image via

friends & focus

It's been a sort of reflective kind of Sunday. I've spent a good part of the day thinking about two things I need:

• friends
• focus

1. I need friends. (How pathetic do I sound right now?) But seriously, I do. I guess I never seriously thought about everything that comes with moving to a new city. In the past, every time I've moved I've either been young enough that making friends happens in about 5 minutes, or moving away to college where I've been thrust into a place with thousands of like-minded people who are experiencing all the same things. But now it's all different. Neither of us moved here with connections, we aren't in college, and we don't have kids to create a commonality. So I know this probably sounds like one big pity party, but I guess all I'm saying is that I'm really realizing how important good friends are to me. And I know that I do have good friends - I just talked to Anna today (welcome back, woman!) and we're spending quality time with Mike and Katie this weekend - but it's hard for me to only have long-distance friendships. I miss weekly coffee dates with Sarah, daily lunches with Jenna, and weekend trips with Mel. Okay, pity party is over.

2. I need a focus, specifically for this blog. I've always been a very goal-oriented type of person. Give a me a clear goal or objective and I will work hard at making it happen. I think that's why I stuck with my 365 photo project - there was a very specific goal and I worked hard to reach it. And I thought that after a year of such a specific project that blogging would be perfect - a non-commital outlet where I'm not restricted about what and when I post. I was wrong. I'm finding that blogging is waaaaay to broad for me. Do I talk about my day? My week? Food? Photography? Tim? Boring things? Cute things? Nothing? Which is why I've decided that I need a focus, like my 365 project but different. (Although I almost just convinced myself about 5 minutes ago to start up another 365 project in February). Options of focus:

• My favorite thing about this past week was...
• Topic-specific days of the week, i.e. I only talk about food on Fridays, or craft projects on Wednesdays, or books on Sundays
• Center it around photography, just not as rigid as posting everyday
• Focus only on graphic design and building a portfolio of projects
• ....???

Okay, that's enough to think about for now. Will sleep on this and get back to you.