fear + surrender

Have you ever had a lightbulb moment? Where all of a sudden, it's like a lightbulb is flicked on and you see a situation in a completely different light. I had a total lightbulb moment this past weekend. We had our church's annual women's retreat, which I would describe in one word as... no, I don't think it's possible to describe it in just one word. It was uplifting, refreshing, challenging, heartbreaking, overwhelming, Holy Spirit-filled and full full full of Biblical teaching, delicious food, sweet fellowship, and beautiful worship. There are few things that make me cry like sitting in the midst of a worship service with fellow believers; that is one of my most favorite things.

There were so many nuggets of wisdom, advice, and truth that came out of this past weekend, but the one that really hit me was about fear. I realized that SO much of what I do AND don't do revolves around fear. This was the first part of my lightbulb moment. I am such a Type A + control freak + peace keeper that I fear so many things and the words "taking a risk" are hardly in my vocabulary. Give me comfortable, predictable, routine...please and thank you. But as one of the women during the weekend was sharing about fear, she said something that had never even crossed my mind.

What could fear be holding you back from? Are you missing out on something beautiful/inspiring/breathtaking because of fear?

Woah. What friendships, moments, sunrises, conversations, blessings have I missed out on in my life because I was too afraid to reach out and be a friend? Because I was too afraid it might be awkward? Because I was too afraid of bears? Because I was too afraid of failing? Because I was too afraid of not looking like I have it all together?

So often I sit and pray for God to bring something into my life - friendships, adventure, passion - and I feel like I've been wondering and waiting for so long, thinking, "God, why aren't you answering me?!" But now I'm starting to see that maybe He has these things ready and waiting for me, but I need to be the one to pursue them. I need to stop sitting in fear and start standing in surrender, knowing that sure, something scary could still happen, some situation could still be really awkward, but at least in surrendering to Him, He's got my back and He knows what He's doing. And in that there is no fear, only peace.

"...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." - Hebrews 12:1

home

With summer in full swing, my days with an 8 month old seem to fill up much more quickly than I ever expected. I love this season of warm days, green grass, and "sunsets about 9." (I've always loved that Brad Paisley lyric.) And while much of my days are spent thinking about what new food to have Jack try or where we should go for a walk or how to make him laugh, lately my mind has been on the thought of "home."

Today my parents are moving out of the house I grew up in and away from my hometown. Although we moved around a couple of times while I was growing up, this place, six miles east of Marshall on four acres, has been home for the last 16 years.

This is where...
I went through the awkward teenage years
I learned to mow the lawn with a riding lawn mower
I grew to love living in the country, even if it meant riding my bike the 6 miles into town when Mom and Dad "wouldn't" give me a ride
I grew to love living in a small town
countless sleepovers and movie nights happened in the basement
we learned to say, "It'd be such a nice day if it wasn't so windy"
we could gauge how bad a blizzard was on whether or not we could see the mailbox
we frosted dozens of sugar cookies every Christmas
we repainted the downstairs bathroom 5 times
we took piano lessons
5-year-old Conner puked all over the stairs
the most dreaded chore was picking up sticks in the spring after the snow was gone
I was sick with a high fever for 6 days in Jr. High
we started the tradition of the "7th Grade Party"
my friends threw me a surprise party for my 21st birthday
I first heard about Lost Timber Bible Camp, where I met Tim
all our graduation parties were held in the garage
Dad read devotions after dinner
my sister and I got ready for prom
Tim proposed to me
we announced we were having a baby
where life has happened for 16 years

Ultimately, my parents moving is a good thing and has been a long time coming. Dad has been commuting 2 hours one-way for 5 long years. Mom has had her fair share of "snow emergencies" while Dad wasn't home. This needs to happen. And how it all happened is sort of a long story, but one that you look back on and can so clearly see God working through all the ups and downs. There truly is much to be thankful for, but it doesn't mean it's easy. Jack and I took one last trip home in June so I could clean out my closet and the storage tubs under my bed, which of course held countless treasures and memories. What's funny is that I was so preoccupied with taking care of Jack and going through my old stuff, that when I left I didn't really even think about it being my last time home until a ways down the road. But maybe it's better that way.

What's sort of crazy is that my parents are actually moving back to the city where we lived for 8 years during my early childhood. So while most of my kindergarten friends aren't there any more, it's unique in that my parents already have connections - some of their closest friends live just 5 minutes down the road. It's the polar opposite of the time we moved to Phoenix, AZ; the people, the landscape, the roads, and the restaurants are familiar, which will hopefully make it feel a little more like home a little faster.

You always hear people talk about how "home is wherever you make it" or "home isn't a house, it's the people," which I think is true to some extent, but I can't help but wonder what it will feel like to go "home" to a house I've never been to on a street that's not gravel. Or to walk down a Main Street that's unfamiliar with parallel parked cars I don't recognize. And as with any life change, there will come a new normal, but the acreage east of Marshall will always hold much of my heart and many of my memories.

on motherhood + fear

With just a few short months left before I'm fully plunged into motherhood, the bliss of a good pregnancy is slowly being replaced by fears of the unknown and what-ifs. Based on this post, you may think that I've totally got this whole mom thing figured out and am forging into the unknown armed with confidence and understanding. Not true. I am fearful and nervous and full of questions.

How will be able to cook a full meal? Will I have time for design projects? How will I handle the overwhelming task and responsibility of caring for a tiny human being? Will our marriage change, for better or worse?

And then there's maybe the biggest of them all: I am so scared about the heart-crushing love I will have (and already do) for my baby, my child. The love that will make me my heart ache when they cry; the love that will keep me up at night thinking what if that would have been my child in that car crash; the love that will suddenly turn up my awareness of kidnappings; the love that will make me want to keep them locked safe inside our house to protect them from the harms of this world; the love that will make me encourage them to follow their dreams, even if that means traveling across the country to go to college.

This is what I've been thinking about lately, and at times the weight of it all is almost unbearable. I need to learn to live on my knees before my God who will be there every step of the way. And I need to get over my pride of not wanting to ask for help. Otherwise, I may not get any sleep for the next 18+ years.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpassed all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

To these promises I will cling.

on motherhood + hard work

I have been thinking a lot about motherhood/parenthood lately (big shocker). And while I'm so thankful for this pregnancy for many reasons, one that I've been realizing lately is the fact that I now have first-hand experience in this precious stage of life. It's like I've suddenly been plunged into this whole new network of women that I can now relate to. I have also been learning things like what to not say to a pregnant woman or expectant parents. For example, "You think you're tired now, just wait until you have the baby...you'll never have a good night of sleep again" or "You think you're busy now, just wait until you have the baby...you'll never go on another date again."

Yes, our lives will drastically change, our routines will be different, and there may be things we won't do as often, but as with any big change, there will come a "new normal." For the planner and routine lover that I am, I know that this will be a challenge to get used to, especially knowing that with a new baby there are hardly ever two days that are ever the same. I am pretty much counting on one or two total meltdowns on my part and a few middle-of-the-night calls to Mom. And I'd be lying if said I wasn't worried about being a good mom and having no clue what I'm doing. But I take comfort in knowing that many mothers before me have gone through these same things...and have not just survived, but call it a blessing.

And I think my friend Teddy Roosevelt might be on to something because I've always felt the most satisfied when working at something that is difficult. And now I have been tasked with one of the greatest challenges of all - growing, birthing, and raising and training up a child. So I'd rather not view it as a chore, a drag, or something that is interrupting my "normal" life, but instead a chance to work (very) hard at work worth doing.

a gift & a privilege

have you ever read a verse over and over for many years, but then one day it takes on a whole new meaning and you read it in a totally different light? yeah, that's this verse for me.

Pregnancy is constantly on my mind. I will literally wake up in the middle of the night out of a deep sleep and my first reaction is to touch my growing belly and thank God for this miracle growing inside me. It is so amazing to me and I am so thankful that God has given me this chance to be a mother, something I've dreamed of for many years.

But pregnancy is a funny thing these days; sometimes I almost feel like it's a bad word. Tim and I joke around about this, saying how pregnancy is a disease that you have to treat with lots of medications and doctors. We are, of course, totally kidding, but that mindset is sort of true in society today. It's like we've forgotten that our bodies were made and designed for this purpose. This is completely normal and something (in my mind) that should be celebrated.

This tumble of thoughts was brought on after seeing a little blurb last night on one of the pregnancy sites I use to check on how our baby is developing and growing each week. The article was talking about buying new underwear for pregnancy. Yes, underwear. It was suggesting certain fabrics, cuts, and sizes and then ended with this phrase, "It's a good idea to buy a few pairs in bright, fun colors to cheer you up," implying that I will be disgusted at the size of panties I'm having to buy due to a growing belly. Seriously?! I know every woman's story and pregnancy is different, but in general why would we need brightly colored underwear to make us feel better? I'm already cheery and so happy to find that my options of pants that fit me is dwindling by the week. A growing and changing body is something that sort of comes with the package of pregnancy. It's what I signed up for, and it's a gift and a privilege that I do not take lightly, especially since I know there are many women who would give anything to have to buy new pregnancy underwear and will never have the opportunity.

Thank you, Lord, for this child you have knit together in my womb. There are many unknowns and questions ahead of me, but I know that you have equipped me for such a time as this. And in that I find peace.

currently...

happy 17th birthday, little brother!

jamming to the 90s Country Mix on Pandora
planning a spring trip to Yellowstone/Tetons
blissed out because of another free month of Netflix
obsessed with this
listening to the sounds of Tim ripping down the ceiling in the basement bedroom
dreaming about paint colors
craving adventure
sore from wiping out last night during a little pick-up hockey with Tim
(still) enjoying flowers I got on Valentine's Day
praying for Bob, Mandy, and my grandparents
thankful for my family
anxious for warm evenings in the sunroom
excited to fulfill a life goal this weekend

on being real

Everything always seems to look so perfect in the blogging world. Pretty women with interesting lives, happy babies, killer style sense, and a witty joke to boot. And that's where I struggle with this whole blogging thing. I started this blog so I would have an outlet for writing, creativity, and everyday thoughts and happenings. I've always loved to journal/keep a diary, and while having a blog is a super way to do that + put pictures with my thoughts (which I love), it feels a little too vulnerable to pen my thoughts on the days when I've had a rough day or when I'm angry or when all I want to do is sink into the couch and cry.

But I have this thing for "realness." It's my favorite. I have always been drawn to people who are real, who don't put on a front. I admire those people. And I would like to be known in the same way.

I say all of this to say that in my being real and sharing my thoughts about the not-so-good days, I'm not looking for sympathy, but more for encouragement and wisdom. I'm not one to ask for help or even to voice what's wrong, but that's something I need to get over. Easier said than done, of course. I shouldn't shut people out just because I'm scared of looking needy or stupid. And I don't have to look like I have it all together all the time. After all, no one can read my mind and the only way to receive help is to ask for it. And in my limited life experience a). there's always someone who's going through the same growing pains as me and b). that person never thinks I'm needy or stupid, and is always willing to listen and come along side of me.

So tonight, at the end of this long week, I have a weary and tired heart. Things like uncertainty, loneliness, and feelings of not being good enough have been wearing me down. Even as I'm writing this, I'm shaking my head thinking, "Who am I to complain?! I have SO much to be thankful for when so many others are suffering. And I'm whining about having no friends? I'm so pathetic." And so the cycle continues.

Lord, you know my heart and I take such comfort in that. You also know the future and I know that you've promised to prosper me and guide me. You know my frustrations and my worries. You store up my tears in a jar. God, I pray for patience and peace, and that you'll keep teaching me how to speak up when I need help or advice or prayer. That's why you've given me brothers and sisters in Christ - to lean on and learn from. Thank you for your blessings that surround me daily. I never want to take them for granted. I love you.

november

I am thankful for:

a cozy home to call my own
hot coffee waiting for me each morning
a husband who does the dishes and laundry
hot water
my job
the deer that has been foraging in our backyard
neighbors that bring us bread and build us a new mailbox
our fireplace (which is still the only thing heating our entire house at the moment)
coupons that save me $17 at the grocery store
chicken pot pie
my sister
early morning walks with the dog
trials that bring wisdom, understanding, and full reliance on God

I am truly blessed.

neighbors

I spent most of my formative years growing up in the country - gravel road, miles from town, no neighbors. And while I miss aspects of that setting and one day hope to "return to my roots", I am LOVING having a community of neighbors. I guess it helps that all our neighbors are crazy nice and do things like bring us hostas to plant and fresh baked bread. Yeah, I could get used to this neighborhood thing.

lately...

...my days are filled with

eating frozen pizza since we haven't really gone grocery shopping since the move
soaking up the MN summer sun over my lunch break
getting my nails dirty from weeding the landscaping (see photo below)
listening to Airstream Song on repeat
learning how to keep wood floors clean
late nights in the sunroom
daydreaming of hosting a party in our new digs
meeting neighbors
figuring out how to fit a queen sized box spring up narrow stairs
finding a new evening walking route around the neighborhood

life is good.

my home town

I don't know if it's the warm weather or just plain ol' homesickness, but I'm really missing the Minnesota prairie lately, and am having a total Cheers theme song moment of wanting to be where everybody knows my name. And I also know it's partly the phenomenon that seems to be really good at happening to me where the thing that I think I don't want, I actually love and miss after I don't have it. Yeah, fairly big character flaw of mine. I'm working on it - on being happy with my current situation, surroundings, etc. But even still, I miss...


the sunsets
Legion baseball games
running into familiar faces at the grocery store
knowing all the back roads to every neighboring small town
country living
friends
bagel shop coffee dates with Mom
shopping the downtown stores
summer night band concerts
farmland
gravel roads


I do love you, Southwest MN!

the count down begins

It still seems surreal/unreal that we bought a house because nothing has changed. The only indication that we are future homeowners are the few cards we have hanging up on our refrigerator, congratulating us on our big life change. Yes, it's been nice to have so much time and not to feel rushed and all, but we are SO ready. We've started saving boxes for the move and the Uhaul has been reserved. It's taking everything in me not to get out the packing tape and permanent marker. But between hiking trips, birthdays, family vacations, and busy work weeks coming up, I know it will be here before we know it.

happy mother's day

To my mom, the best mom a girl could ask for. Thank you for teaching me to not eat dandelions. Thank you for letting me get good and dirty outside. Thank you for being the tooth fairy and always making me breakfast in bed on my birthday. Thank you for making bows to wear in my hair. Thank you for showing and teaching me the love of Christ and how important it is. Thank you for rocking me and humming a lullaby when I was sick or couldn't sleep. Thank you for letting me be independent and adventurous. Thank you for making roast and potatoes and carrots every Sunday. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for everything. I love you!

Lately...

• I have been very aware of all the blessings I have in life. Sure, there are always small things in my life that I wish were different, but as a whole, my life is good. Sometimes I start to wonder if this is a "calm before the storm", like God is getting me ready for something which sort of freaks me out. But I know and trust all my good and bad are in His control.
• We have been eating some crazy good food! I don't know how it happened, but nearly every single meal last week was a knock out, including this. Talk about yum!
• The trees have been exploding with green buds and fragrant blossoms, and it makes my heart very happy.
• We have spent our weeknights going for long walks around the neighborhood, grilling, and playing lawn games.
• I have been busy designing some wedding loveliness for a good friend of mine getting married in October. 
• All I think about every morning, noon, and night is the house! Although, I'm trying to be very conscious about not wishing away the days because I know I will miss this apartment and its coziness.
• We (and by that I mean me) have decided not to buy/drink pop anymore, and have replaced it with our new favorite.

According to Pinterest...

We move into our new house (still feels so crazy to say that!) in exactly 2 months, which has got me thinking, dreaming, and breathing anything to do with paint colors, area rugs, and wall art. I am one of those girls who, since my teen years, has always been antsy to have a house, a space of my own to do absolutely whatever I wanted. I remember going to antique stores with my mom and finding so many cool knick-knacks or impractical pieces of furniture that I could never justify buying because the only space I could claim as my own was my bedroom. And let's face it, you can only fit so many paintings, old tins, vintage chairs, and quilts into a 12x14 room. 

But now I have a house. We have a house, and it's ours to fill. And I honestly couldn't be more excited. I sort of have the feeling I did when we started planning our wedding. After going to many weddings and taking note of things that were cool and not so cool, it was our time to come up with exactly what we wanted to make our day perfect. Same with a house. I have dozens of pins on Pinterest devoted to beautiful house spaces, colors, and rooms, and I'm figuring out exactly how I want our house to look.


But I was realizing the other day while thumbing through a catalog of home decor that every single room in the catalog looked perfect: perfect white trim, perfect wood floors, perfect crisp bed spread, perfect vase of flowers by the bed. The same goes for Pinterest. I look on there and everything is glossy, freshly-remodeled rooms that look like no one lives in them. And I feel like my generation is starting to take this as the norm, that even as a newlywed twenty-something you should be able to have the perfect looking house. 


I'll be the first to admit that I've fallen into this trap many times, and probably will in the future. I was just talking to Tim about this a couple of weeks ago and said that I've lately found myself expecting to have the glossy, freshly-remodeled rooms in the very near future...because that's what everyone else has (according to Pinterest). But I know now and am realizing that that is not practical, not feasible, and not necessary. I need to count myself incredibly blessed just to say that I'm a homeowner at my age and that it isn't the size of a postage stamp and that it's not in the ghetto! I am so thankful.


So for now, we will take it one step and one room at a time. Who cares if we don't have granite countertops or white trim in the next year or even 5 years? Who cares if we don't get to painting over the pink paint in the basement right away? Who cares if we don't get the landscaping taken care of this summer? I am going to enjoy every decision and every process and not compare myself to the so-called real world. Amen.

friends & focus

It's been a sort of reflective kind of Sunday. I've spent a good part of the day thinking about two things I need:

• friends
• focus

1. I need friends. (How pathetic do I sound right now?) But seriously, I do. I guess I never seriously thought about everything that comes with moving to a new city. In the past, every time I've moved I've either been young enough that making friends happens in about 5 minutes, or moving away to college where I've been thrust into a place with thousands of like-minded people who are experiencing all the same things. But now it's all different. Neither of us moved here with connections, we aren't in college, and we don't have kids to create a commonality. So I know this probably sounds like one big pity party, but I guess all I'm saying is that I'm really realizing how important good friends are to me. And I know that I do have good friends - I just talked to Anna today (welcome back, woman!) and we're spending quality time with Mike and Katie this weekend - but it's hard for me to only have long-distance friendships. I miss weekly coffee dates with Sarah, daily lunches with Jenna, and weekend trips with Mel. Okay, pity party is over.

2. I need a focus, specifically for this blog. I've always been a very goal-oriented type of person. Give a me a clear goal or objective and I will work hard at making it happen. I think that's why I stuck with my 365 photo project - there was a very specific goal and I worked hard to reach it. And I thought that after a year of such a specific project that blogging would be perfect - a non-commital outlet where I'm not restricted about what and when I post. I was wrong. I'm finding that blogging is waaaaay to broad for me. Do I talk about my day? My week? Food? Photography? Tim? Boring things? Cute things? Nothing? Which is why I've decided that I need a focus, like my 365 project but different. (Although I almost just convinced myself about 5 minutes ago to start up another 365 project in February). Options of focus:

• My favorite thing about this past week was...
• Topic-specific days of the week, i.e. I only talk about food on Fridays, or craft projects on Wednesdays, or books on Sundays
• Center it around photography, just not as rigid as posting everyday
• Focus only on graphic design and building a portfolio of projects
• ....???

Okay, that's enough to think about for now. Will sleep on this and get back to you.

toxic

Thursday's Thoughts

• We may (still) be snowless in St. Cloud, but it's a balmy 8 degrees out right now. However, earlier this week it hit 50+, and what do you do when it's 50+ degrees in January? You find things to climb.
• I want to go to this show. Which could work out really well since the show is the 30th and Marji's due date is the 31st. A show and a niece/nephew all in one weekend. Bam.
• Nickel Creek covering Britney Spears? So fab, and I will forever regret that I never made it to one of their shows. But I'm still not taking "attend a Nickel Creek concert" off of my life goal list.
• I have been reading Tim's latest issue of Backpacker and after reading stories about treks around Switzerland and expeditions to Everest base camp, I have the itch to go on a crazy adventure. Now all I need is a sponsor and more muscle.
• Date Night: Round 2 this weekend with Zach. He got us all "dates" for Christmas, and mine is this weekend. I'm so nervous...what should I wear?
• I have been sitting here with my little ear buds in for about 8 minutes now, but Bieber stopped singing to me 10 minutes ago.
• What would I do without the public library?