the art of being busy

I love to be busy. I always have. I remember when I was in 6th grade I had a fever that lasted nearly a week. And on day 3 or 4 of being home from school, I begged my mom to let me go and said that I really didn't feel that bad. Or at work, the thing I dread the most in nearly every job I've had is those quiet, I-have-nothing-left-on-my-to-do-list days. Doing "nothing" is hard for me. And whether this is right or not, I feel so much more productive when I have a long to-do list.

I'm realizing that this has been why life post-college has seemed so...unproductive. One of the biggest reasons I loved (and sometimes hated) college was each day was jam packed with class, work, lunch with the girls, projects, and homework. It felt so good to have daily, weekly, monthly goals and to be working towards and for something - a degree and diploma. I would literally plan out each hour of my day in order to get everything done. And I remember going to bed at night exhausted, but fulfilled.

Fast-forward three years to right now and I feel like my life is the exact opposite. The earliest I ever have to be to up is 7:00 am; I never have work outside of work; lunch dates have turned into occasional phone dates; and since I've been blessed with a husband whose spiritual gift is cleaning, about the only big thing on my list each night that I feel I have to do is make supper and walk the dog. And although each day has its own goals - grocery shopping, wash the car, vacuum - it's almost like those things don't feel enough like work to me.

Okay, it sounds like I'm complaining, but really I'm not. I know that I have been richly blessed with so many things and opportunities that I do not deserve, but I'm just trying to find my way in this new phase of life. And although this may sound counterintuitive, the less things I have to do, the less productive I am. You would think that since I have all this spare time and energy that I'd be adding projects to my list left and right. But I don't. I get complacent and lazy when I'm out of the routine of being busy.

So new goal: add things to my to-do list, big or small. There are big things that I've been dreaming about doing for awhile now and the fear of failure and the unknown has been holding me back. There are small things that stare me in the face everyday. I need to quit waiting for everything to be perfect because it never will be. I just need to start...and nows the time.

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