First of all, thanks for all the love after my last post! It means everything to me to have such great encouragers and people who push me and challenge me. I really mean that.
My baby will be 1 year old in two days! A whole year! A year ago, I was waddling around the house, whipping up freezer meals and scrubbing the tub because I knew that once the baby was born, things like cleaning and cooking would come to a halt for awhile. This past year has really flown by, but when do I not say that? I think life will always seem to move at pace that is two notches too fast, so I'm learning to soak in the moments and the days. Was it Anne Lammott that said, "The days are long, but the years are short"? Maybe not, but somebody said that and ever since Jack came into our lives, that quote is so true. While I have learned immense amounts about motherhood this past year, I feel like I'm still growing into it. We have great routine days (which I love) and spending my days feeding and playing with and caring for Jack are genuinely enjoyable with a lot fewer, "I don't know what you want" statements. But sometimes when I'm sitting on the cold wood floor in his room watching him play (i.e. pull everything out of his dresser drawers), it's still hard for me to imagine that this is the rest of my life. Yes, it's true what "they" say about being a mother; it's incredibly rewarding and your heart swells with more love than you ever thought possible. But I still find myself dreaming of my life before I was a mama which inevitably turns into a big guilt fest which quickly fades because Jack starts belly laughing at a stuffed animal which makes me feel like I've been given the greatest gift in the world which reminds me just how much work it is to raise a child which makes me want a break...and 'round and 'round.
After graduating from college, it was a bit of a bumpy ride for me adjusting to real life. Up until that point, all I had known in life was school. Events were planned around school, things were learned in school, friends were made at school, goals were set because of school. While in school, no matter what grade, there was always something to strive after - grades, tests, extracurricular activities, graduation. And then suddenly after graduating from college, there was no school and nothing to work towards and I honestly felt lost. Even after getting a "real life" job, it still felt like I had nothing to work toward. But I eventually settled into the new way of life; it just took much longer than I ever expected.
So maybe it's the same with motherhood. Will there come a time when I feel settled in this new role and can look back on life before motherhood with fond memories, but knowing that what I have now is so much better? And the thing is, I know that what I have now is such a gift and is so incredibly precious. It's just that, when my head hits the pillow at night, it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I have an almost-one-year-old who someday will be 5 and 14 and 22(!). It's hard to imagine the seasoned mothers I know feeling like this since mothering seems to exude from them in the form of hearty casseroles, handmade sock monkeys, larger-than-life faith in the midst of trials, and a general ease and contentedness in their role of being a mother. But I'm sure they would all say, "Been there!"
I never really understood how something so exhausting, stressful, and painful could also be so joyous, rewarding, and satisfying. It's like when, after a hard workout, someone says, "It hurts so good." Yeah, motherhood is like that...times 10. I think the biggest thing I have learned this past year, and maybe I've said this before, but it bears repeating in my mind. A common piece of advice I heard shortly before and after giving birth was, "Enjoy the time because it goes by so quickly," which is good advice. But something that really helped me was to remember that even the times that weren't so enjoyable (the nightly feedings every 2 hours, the time the vacuum was the only pacifier, the cry fest during a road trip) pass just as quickly. Everything is for a season, the good and the bad. Eventually that baby will sleep through the night, become more content and just like that they are an almost-walking inquisitive 1 year old who eats half of your scrambled eggs at breakfast.
So, (and I'm preaching to myself here!) soak in the moments - the good ones, the bad ones, the messy ones, the giggly ones - because that's where life is and that's where memories are made.
