postpartum // pain & healing

While I had an awesome, natural birth experience, my recovery was full of pain, tears, and learning. This post documents my road to recovery and is meant to be informational and an encouragement to new moms/moms-to-be who may experience some of the same things I did. So just know, if you're not a woman/not pregnant/not a mom, there may be a few awkward moments ahead. You've been warned.

While I was pregnant, I felt like I was constantly researching, reading, and seeking the wisdom of other mothers in regards to labor and delivery. I walked a mile nearly every day up until the end, hoping that would shimmy the baby into the right position and give me the strength needed to deliver a baby. We took awesome child birth classes with our doula, learning relaxation techniques and what the different stages of labor look like. I had a playlist ready of worship music to keep me calm and focused during labor. I ate plenty of protein in order to avoid things like pre-eclampsia. We had a birth plan written out and knew how we'd like the delivery to go. So when my water broke early in the morning on November 15th, I felt ready for the work of labor. And it paid off. I will always look back on Jack's birth story with fondness and awe that it went as well as it did.

What I wasn't prepared for were the days and weeks after giving birth. I don't want to freak out any new moms-to-be, but mean to say all this as an encouragement if your recovery experience is anything like mine and let you know that you're not alone! I'm not afraid to admit that I wasn't one of the "strong" women who appeared to be "back to normal" quickly. Recovery rocked my world, which is something I had never really heard anyone talk about. And maybe that's just because every woman, every body, every delivery is so different. Some women are good to go just a few days after delivery. Not me. Of course, I knew I would be sore and I figured nursing would be an adjustment, but I had no idea to what extent. For some reason, I thought by day 3 or 4, I'd feel like running errands to get out of the house. Ummm…I didn't leave the house, or even go outside, for days. I didn't even go to Jack's first doctor appointment because I wasn't sure I could make it across the parking lot. I had a pretty bad tear among other "bottom" issues from the delivery, which made everything a process since the smallest movement could be irritating. I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes because of the pain and pressure, which made it really interesting when I found out that a combination of bouncing and walking was just what soothed Jack at 2:00am. I dreaded having to go to the bathroom. Even rolling over in bed hurt. Healing quickly became my #2 priority, after taking care of Jack, which would not have been possible without the help and support of my mom, sister, and Tim who were constantly filling up my water bottle, making tea, holding Jack so I could sleep/eat, and making sure I was taking a bath at least 3 times a day. It was exhausting and a constant cycle of feed Jack, sleep, eat, feed Jack, sleep, bathe, feed Jack, etc.

I also thought nursing would be easier and that it would become a quiet time with my new baby that I'd look forward to. I knew there would be a learning curve, but I was really excited to nurse my baby. And while he was a champion eater from the very beginning, it was a shock to my body. By the time Jack was 2 weeks old, every nursing session was accompanied by dread and lots and lots of tears on my part. I had big cracks on each side that didn't close up and heal for 5 weeks. It took everything in me to let my baby nurse and to not pull away, the pain was so great. There were nights when he would latch on and I would just sob, dropping big elephant tears on his sweet head. People always say that the hardest thing about a new baby is how little sleep you get. Not me. In those moments, I remember thinking that I would happily take exhaustion any day over the raw pain of nursing. In the beginning, I just viewed it as something I had to fight through, as something that was fairly normal for a new mother to go through. But as the days and weeks ticked on and there was no improvement, and when I was in pain all the time, not just when I was breastfeeding, it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't do this any more. If it's always going to be like this, I don't think I can do it. But I have to do it for my baby. I want to, but if it's always going to hurt this bad… That was my thought cycle every day. And so I began to pray for my boobs, something I never ever thought I'd do! I prayed for healing, strength, perseverance, and patience. I changed my perspective and tried to view it as a blessing - a blessing that I had a precious, healthy baby to nurse, and a blessing that it was just "surface" pain and not pain from something like a chronic disease. And after much prayer, advice, and remedies, I can honestly say that I look forward to nursing Jack, even if it's in the middle of the night.

On top of both of these things, my emotions/ hormones were at an all time level of crazy and I would cry at the slightest thing. I'd look at Jack and cry. I'd talk to my mom about Christmas and cry. I'd try to stand up and cry. I'd nurse Jack and cry, from pain and from worrying if he was getting enough milk. Sometimes at the end of the day, I would just start crying for no apparent reason other than I just needed to cry. Crazy, crazy emotional. And while everyone tells you it's completely normal to feel like that, it doesn't make it any less awkward when your husband finds you standing at the bathroom sink sobbing and asks, "What's wrong?" and you honestly reply, "I have no idea!"

But I'm here to tell you, it does get better! You may not think so - I didn't for awhile - and it may take longer than you think, but healing will come. It has been a long road to get to where I'm at now, which is still not back to 100% of "normal", but much closer than I was a few weeks ago. I can now go to the grocery and not feel like I'm going to pass out after 10 minutes. I can nurse and not wince. And (most of the time) I can talk to my mom without crying. What helped? During all of this, I surrounded myself with worship and the Word, which brought much comfort and encouragement. "When I am weary, you are strong." Each week, I would put up a new 50 Promises card on the kitchen windowsill and meditate on it during the week. During middle of the night feedings, I would cue up my worship playlist and focus on the words of the songs to take my mind off the pain.

And then there were texts, calls, and emails full of words of encouragement from the few friends and family who knew what I was going through. You all know who you are and I cannot thank you enough for your friendship, love, and help when I was at my lowest. Never underestimate the power of encouraging words!

I also came to rely on an arsenal of products, some specific for postpartum mamas, some not. Below are the things that got me through each day and would make great gifts for any new mama.

1. Earth Mama Angel Baby Monthly Comfort Tea - this tea is made especially for postpartum recovery and helps with healing on the inside, i.e. raging hormones and a post-birth uterus. I had a cup of this every day for the first couple of weeks. It is honestly one of the best tasting teas I've ever had.
2. Earth Mama Angel Baby New Mama Bottom Spray - this cooling mist is full of all natural healers and soothers and would highly recommend it for any mom-to-be! Plus, it smells wonderful.
3. Plum Smart - going to the bathroom after having a baby is daunting. So along with plenty of water and fiber, this juice was a mainstay in the fridge for awhile. I don't hate prune juice, but this stuff is significantly more tasty.
4. Tucks Pads - okay, maybe another awkward product to talk about, but I'm way past awkward at this point. Soaked in all-natural witch hazel, these little pads work wonders for healing.
5. Motherlove Nipple Cream - at first, I used Lansinoh Cream, but found that it didn't do much more than moisturize. What I needed was healing. This organic cream moisturizes, heals, and protects.
6. Yoni Bath Postpartum Sitz Bath Herbal Tea - yet another awesome healing product I used daily for awhile. There are many types and brands of sitz bath tea out there, but I ordered mine from this great Etsy shop. Sandra happens to go to my in-laws church in Southwest Minnesota, and I was able to meet her one Sunday when we were there. She has great products in her shop including this great soaking tea. I threw one of these tea bags into the water every time I took a bath, and found that I could reuse a bag for several baths. Again, these are loaded with the natural power houses of healing agents like witch hazel, calendula, and comfrey root.
7. Nice shower gel - my mom brought a little basket of goodies to the hospital for me and a bottle of nice shower gel was one of the things she included. This may seem like a really insignificant product, but it was one of the things that made me feel normal during those first couple of weeks when life (and my body!) seemed anything but normal.
8. Target nursing tanks - is there anything Target can't do? Seriously. My sister gave me one as a birthday gift and I bought a second one because I loved it so much. I'm so glad I did. I would recommend having at least 2 of these tanks. They are comfy (which is a must), functional, and even cute.
9. Fun socks - just another thing that made me feel somewhat normal.

my 1st trimester faves

I am so thankful to be in my 2nd trimester of this pregnancy! Even though I never did actually puke, the first 3 months were far from easy. I was tired all. the. time. There were days I would take a 2 hour nap after work and still go to bed early and sleep like a baby. Smells were magnified by about a thousand and things like cooking a meal and going to the grocery store were completely off-limits. Seriously, Tim was so awesome during the 1st trimester - he literally did ALL the grocery shopping, cleaning, and cooking while I laid on the couch eating toast and smelling peppermint essential oil. Don't know what I'd do without that guy.

The first weeks after finding out about Baby Miller, I spent a significant amount of time researching things like aids for morning sickness and prenatal vitamins. Here is what I found worked for me and would highly recommend.

1. Traditional Medicinals Ginger Aid tea - I've come to love the taste of ginger thanks to the little stack of pickled ginger they serve you when you eat sushi. I made a mug of this tea every single morning for quite a few weeks to take the place of my traditional cup of coffee and always had a few packets stashed in my purse and my desk at work. If I ever started to feel gross, I brew some of this and it really took the edge off.

2. Preggie Pop Drops - Somewhere in my research of "remedies for morning sickness" I ran across this product. Fruity, sour things appealed to me and these were right on. I ordered a three pack off of Amazon (just to be sure), but only ended up going through one little tin. So I sent the rest to another prego mama who's a few weeks behind me. :)

3. Salsa - My mom's homemade salsa, to be exact. I know they say that spicy foods may make queasiness worse, but this was something else that nearly always sounded good to me. I had it on rice, with chips, and in quesadillas. Some days, it was the only thing I could stomach.

4. Ice water - I've never drank so much water in my life! If I wasn't drinking hot tea, I was (and still am!) drinking ice cold water. Almost anything that was ice cold sounded great to me - water, popsicles, milk, ice cream.

5. Peppermint essential oil - A friend from church gave me a little bottle of this and it's amazing! It was my first experience really with essential oils and it worked great for headaches and when smells became just too overwhelming. I would dab a little bit on my wrists or temples and the soothing smell would be with me most of the day.

6. Vitamin Code Raw Prenatal Vitamins - I am not a fan of pills. I do okay with Tylenol sized pills, but anything over that literally makes me gag. So after MUCH research, I was so pumped to learn that these prenatals were not only some of the best out there (thanks to their totally raw ingredients), but they come in capsules that can be opened. So what do I do? Make a small smoothie each morning and pour the contents of the capsules in with it. I was worried that it was going to make the smoothie taste really funky, but the only thing it adds is a bit of a ginger flavor, which is actually sort of a plus in my book.

7. 30 Rock - I honestly used to cringe at the sight of Alec Baldwin...until I got hooked on 30 Rock. Since we've already dominated all the season of The Office and Parks & Rec, this was my go-to show all those evenings I spent on the couch. I made it through all 7 seasons on Netflix during my 1st trimester. It made me laugh, which was a good distraction, and it rarely talked about food. Win, win.

bamboo volume spray / product review

A couple of weeks ago, I went in to get my hair cut and styled for the first time in a year (yeah, I know). After cutting my hair, my stylist asked if she could put some wave curls in my hair. Ummm....do you even need to ask me that? And while they were full and gorgeous for the first 20 minutes, I thought that the curls would never last. My hair is thick, but too smooth to ever hold curls. However, those big waves stayed for 2 full days! And the best part was, my hair didn't feel greasy or sticky because of an overdose of product.

So I went back to my stylist a couple of days later and said, "How did you get my hair to do that?!" She laughed, promptly handed me this bottle, and without hesitation I said, "I'll take it!" Often times when I ask a stylist to suggest a product for my finicky locks it either doesn't deliver or it weighs my hair down. Not so with this stuff - it honestly doesn't feel like I have any product in my hair and it really does work for 48 hours. A product that actually does what it says, and it's free of parabens and all that nasty stuff? Yes. Seriously love this stuff.

hello volume!

born and raised

About 10 minutes ago I remembered that John Mayer had a new album coming out in May. About 5 minutes ago I found it on iTunes and immediately hit download. About 1 minute ago, I entered musical heaven. Seriously. I love him, well maybe not him, but you get the picture. I'm daydreaming about our backpacking trip this weekend and how this might just be the perfect soundtrack for the early Saturday morning drive to the trailhead...