life lessons // perspective

I am not surprised that since having a baby life has seemed to move faster than ever. Not only do the days and weeks seem to fly by, but things like eating and grocery shopping now only occur in hyper-mode since my boy's happiness trumps all. This was one of those things that everyone told me about, but you just don't really understand it until you're going through it. For the past almost-6-months, I haven't felt a sense of calm or relaxation. There are moments of rest when I feel like I can catch my breath, but the crazy far outweighs the calm. And for many weeks, I would think, "This is my life now. I will never eat my scrambled eggs in peace again. Tim and I will never have regular date nights without it being a production. I might not have a full night of sleep for years...etc. etc. etc." And then I start thinking, "And we only have one kid. It's only going to get harder and crazier from here on out!" I hate to admit this, but have even been moments when I've seen retired people having coffee at Target or working in their yard and envied them and the fact that they can take. their. time.

But God knows exactly what I need and when I need it. This past weekend, the women in our church got together for a retreat. It was a refreshing time of fellowship and God's word. It was my first time away from Jack for more than three hours, and it was just what I needed. Many people asked me if it was hard to leave him. Honestly, no. I knew he would be at home with Tim, safe and sound. And I knew I needed the time away to sit quietly, soak up the Word, and BEHOLD my Savior.

I came away with many nuggets of wisdom and things to work on (we studied the Proverbs 31 woman...hello), but one thing that I have already stuck in my Bible and want to read every morning is a passage that was shared Saturday morning. It's a version of Psalm 23.

THE LORD IS MY PACEMAKER

The Lord is my pacemaker - I shall not rush
He makes me stop and rest for quiet intervals
He provides me with images of stillness,
Which restore my serenity
He leads me in the ways of efficiency
Through calmness of mind,
And His guidance is peace

Even though I have a great many things to accomplish each day
I will not fret
For His presence is here
His timelessness, His importance
Will keep me in balance

He prepares refreshment and renewal
In the midst of my activity,
By anointing my mind
With oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows

Surely harmony and effectiveness
Shall be the fruits of my hours
For I shall walk in His house forever

Yes, my evenings of taking an hour to make an elaborate supper, mornings of sleeping in on Saturday mornings, and afternoons of reading and blogging may be over, it is only for a season. But I don't want to just merely view this as a season I have to get through. I want to enjoy this season with a joyous energy! Enjoy the fact that I'm blessed to spend everyday caring for my baby boy. Enjoy the fact that Jack hungry enough to eat two times in the middle of the night. Enjoy the fact that he weighs enough to make my back ache by the end of the day. Enjoy the fact that Tim and I now have to work as a team to get supper on the table. Enjoy the fact that when I do get a few minutes of "down time", it seems like such a huge gift. And enjoy the fact that date nights now look more like a bon fire in the backyard after Jack goes to bed. Blessings! Not just things to muddle through, but things that God has blessed me with! For I know that one day when I am retired and working in my garden, I will see a young mom pushing a stroller and wish I could get these precious, precious days back.

cloth wipes

Before Jack was born, we had decided that we'd give cloth diapers a try, but that it may be wise to wait until he was about 3 months old since cloth diapers on a newborn can be, well, sort of awkward and huge. And here we are, Jack is about 3 1/2 months old (already!) and it's time to get our cloth diapering on.

Something I didn't expect I would be doing, but surprising LOVE, is using cloth wipes. Honestly, I'm sure we'll always have a pack or two of disposable wipes on hand because they're just. so. handy., but cloth wipes really are great. I generously received a big stack of homemade flannel cloth wipes at one of my showers and was a little intimidated to use them. After reading up on different ways to use them - storing them wet or dry, what solution to use, how to wash them - I figured out there's nothing intimidating at all. Here's what we do:

Storing - You can store them wet, meaning they will already be soaked in whatever solution you choose and ready to use. But with that method, it takes time to figure out the right ratio of solution so your wipes aren't too wet, and there is also the risk of mold/mildew. If you're really ambitious, you can even fold your cloth wipes accordion style and put them in an empty wipe dispenser with the solution. But I'm all about quick and easy these days, so I store my cloth wipes dry and stacked on top of the changing table. Next to them is a spray bottle with the wipe solution. To use, I spray the cloth wipe a few times and away we go!

Wipe solution - What's great about cloth wipes is that you can customize the solution for your baby's needs, i.e. sensitive skin, yeast issues, diaper rash, etc. If you Google "cloth wipe solution", you will find a whole slew of different ingredients and recipes. Since Jack doesn't have any skin issues, I went for a fairly basic solution that is both gentle and anti-fungal.

Cloth Wipe Solution

1 1/4 cups water

3 drops lavender oil

3 drops tea tree oil

1 tsp Dr. Bronner's soap

This amount lasts us about 2 weeks.

Washing - I haven't actually sat and counted out how many cloth wipes we have, but it's a pretty good stack, maybe around 3 or 4 dozen. The other great thing about cloth wipes is that I seriously only ever use one wipe per diaper change. That may change once Jack starts eating solids, but even then, I can see only ever needing to use 2 at the most. I store the dirty wipes in a wet/dry bag until laundry day. When it's time to wash them, I soak all the dirt wipes in a bucket with hot water and Oxi-Clean for a couple of hours, then wash with a free-and-clear detergent. So far, they've stayed stain free and fresh.

Traveling - for weekend trips, I just bring the spray bottle, dry cloth wipes, and wet/dry bag along. For things like going to church or shorter outings, I'm planning on using a wipe pouch and putting some of the wipe solution in a small, capped spray bottle.

*You don't need hand-sewn flannel squares to get started with cloth wipes, although they do rock. If you don't want to spend a lot on buying brand name cloth wipes, I've heard that little baby washcloths from Target or Walmart work, too; they just might not last as long.

these days

My boy is 2 1/2 months old and getting sweeter by the day. He is such a sweet and content baby. Although each day sort if still feels like I'm just keeping my head above water, trying to find the new normal, I don't want to forget these days. It's hard sometimes to not wish away the days, wishing for warmer weather or daily showers or date nights. But I know without a doubt I will look back on these first weeks and months of getting to know our baby with longing and fondness. Being thrust into motherhood has been more overwhelming than I thought it would be and I'm learning that I cannot do it on my own accord. When the days seem endless, when the crying won't end, when naps are eluding, when supper consists of cold cereal 3 nights in a row, when the same clothes are worn for 2 days straight, when worry and doubt and inadequacy fill my thoughts, when it feels like there's no one to talk to...I need to remember my Saviour and His grace and be thankful. Because along with all this, there are moments of intense joy and happiness and pride unlike I've ever felt before - when I pick Jack up in the morning and he has a big cheesy grin, when he falls asleep in my arms, when he stares contentedly at me when I give him a bath, when he coos, when he puts his little hand on my chest while nursing, when he pulls up his legs to his tummy when I pick him up from his nap. I feel like my heart could literally burst with love for this tiny boy of mine. It is incredible and I am so blessed to be his mother, even if I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

For when I am weak, He is strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10

baby update // 37 weeks

yes, that is my hospital bag in the background, semi-packed and ready to go.

Well, folks, I think we're ready for Baby Miller. And by that I mean as ready as you can ever be walking directly into the complete unknown aka parenthood. The nursery is unbelievably cute and stocked with blankets, onesies, and diapers; the car seat base has been installed; all the crib bedding has been washed; the swing is put together and sitting in the corner, waiting to be used. As for the labor and delivery aspect of everything, I'm feeling fairly prepared for that as well. Between our birth classes, reading a couple of highly-recommended books, and talking to friends who have been through the experience, I feel ready to take on this enormous task. People keep asking me if I'm nervous or scared, and I always say no. I'm more curious than anything, and if there's anything I'm nervous about, it's not the pain or work, but just the unknown. I'm a planner by nature and love to know what I'm walking into, but birth is one of those things that you can't really plan for. Yes, we have our birth plan all written out and ideas of how everything will go, but we of course have no idea how it will all actually go down. For this reason, I've been focusing my prayers more on the outcome than on the actual experience. Yes, I would love to be one of those women who can say I had a terrific and beautiful birth experience, but ultimately, all I want is a healthy and strong babe.

It's still so weird to me that I'm going to be a mom, that Tim's going to be a dad. Growing up, those titles were reserved for people who had perms, wore pleated pants, had mustaches, drank a lot of coffee, and liked to listen to news on the radio. Actually, Tim fits 3 of those characteristics already, ha! I think parenting is something I'm much more nervous about than physically birthing a baby. Should we be reading parenting books? Do we need to go over standards we think we should have once the kid is a little older? I think I'm so scared that one little "wrong" decision about something like how often to feed the baby or where the baby will sleep will end up snowballing into some kind of undesirable "condition" like a baby that cries all the time or doesn't sleep through the night until they're 2. This is probably just something I need to get over and we'll find our groove over time, figuring out what's best for our baby.

Baby Miller, we're ready for you and are so excited to meet you! See you soon, little one.

on motherhood + fear

With just a few short months left before I'm fully plunged into motherhood, the bliss of a good pregnancy is slowly being replaced by fears of the unknown and what-ifs. Based on this post, you may think that I've totally got this whole mom thing figured out and am forging into the unknown armed with confidence and understanding. Not true. I am fearful and nervous and full of questions.

How will be able to cook a full meal? Will I have time for design projects? How will I handle the overwhelming task and responsibility of caring for a tiny human being? Will our marriage change, for better or worse?

And then there's maybe the biggest of them all: I am so scared about the heart-crushing love I will have (and already do) for my baby, my child. The love that will make me my heart ache when they cry; the love that will keep me up at night thinking what if that would have been my child in that car crash; the love that will suddenly turn up my awareness of kidnappings; the love that will make me want to keep them locked safe inside our house to protect them from the harms of this world; the love that will make me encourage them to follow their dreams, even if that means traveling across the country to go to college.

This is what I've been thinking about lately, and at times the weight of it all is almost unbearable. I need to learn to live on my knees before my God who will be there every step of the way. And I need to get over my pride of not wanting to ask for help. Otherwise, I may not get any sleep for the next 18+ years.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpassed all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

To these promises I will cling.

on motherhood + hard work

I have been thinking a lot about motherhood/parenthood lately (big shocker). And while I'm so thankful for this pregnancy for many reasons, one that I've been realizing lately is the fact that I now have first-hand experience in this precious stage of life. It's like I've suddenly been plunged into this whole new network of women that I can now relate to. I have also been learning things like what to not say to a pregnant woman or expectant parents. For example, "You think you're tired now, just wait until you have the baby...you'll never have a good night of sleep again" or "You think you're busy now, just wait until you have the baby...you'll never go on another date again."

Yes, our lives will drastically change, our routines will be different, and there may be things we won't do as often, but as with any big change, there will come a "new normal." For the planner and routine lover that I am, I know that this will be a challenge to get used to, especially knowing that with a new baby there are hardly ever two days that are ever the same. I am pretty much counting on one or two total meltdowns on my part and a few middle-of-the-night calls to Mom. And I'd be lying if said I wasn't worried about being a good mom and having no clue what I'm doing. But I take comfort in knowing that many mothers before me have gone through these same things...and have not just survived, but call it a blessing.

And I think my friend Teddy Roosevelt might be on to something because I've always felt the most satisfied when working at something that is difficult. And now I have been tasked with one of the greatest challenges of all - growing, birthing, and raising and training up a child. So I'd rather not view it as a chore, a drag, or something that is interrupting my "normal" life, but instead a chance to work (very) hard at work worth doing.