life as mama

First of all, thanks for all the love after my last post! It means everything to me to have such great encouragers and people who push me and challenge me. I really mean that.

My baby will be 1 year old in two days! A whole year! A year ago, I was waddling around the house, whipping up freezer meals and scrubbing the tub because I knew that once the baby was born, things like cleaning and cooking would come to a halt for awhile. This past year has really flown by, but when do I not say that? I think life will always seem to move at pace that is two notches too fast, so I'm learning to soak in the moments and the days. Was it Anne Lammott that said, "The days are long, but the years are short"? Maybe not, but somebody said that and ever since Jack came into our lives, that quote is so true. While I have learned immense amounts about motherhood this past year, I feel like I'm still growing into it. We have great routine days (which I love) and spending my days feeding and playing with and caring for Jack are genuinely enjoyable with a lot fewer, "I don't know what you want" statements. But sometimes when I'm sitting on the cold wood floor in his room watching him play (i.e. pull everything out of his dresser drawers), it's still hard for me to imagine that this is the rest of my life. Yes, it's true what "they" say about being a mother; it's incredibly rewarding and your heart swells with more love than you ever thought possible. But I still find myself dreaming of my life before I was a mama which inevitably turns into a big guilt fest which quickly fades because Jack starts belly laughing at a stuffed animal which makes me feel like I've been given the greatest gift in the world which reminds me just how much work it is to raise a child which makes me want a break...and 'round and 'round.

After graduating from college, it was a bit of a bumpy ride for me adjusting to real life. Up until that point, all I had known in life was school. Events were planned around school, things were learned in school, friends were made at school, goals were set because of school. While in school, no matter what grade, there was always something to strive after - grades, tests, extracurricular activities, graduation. And then suddenly after graduating from college, there was no school and nothing to work towards and I honestly felt lost. Even after getting a "real life" job, it still felt like I had nothing to work toward. But I eventually settled into the new way of life; it just took much longer than I ever expected.

So maybe it's the same with motherhood. Will there come a time when I feel settled in this new role and can look back on life before motherhood with fond memories, but knowing that what I have now is so much better? And the thing is, I know that what I have now is such a gift and is so incredibly precious. It's just that, when my head hits the pillow at night, it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I have an almost-one-year-old who someday will be 5 and 14 and 22(!). It's hard to imagine the seasoned mothers I know feeling like this since mothering seems to exude from them in the form of hearty casseroles, handmade sock monkeys, larger-than-life faith in the midst of trials, and a general ease and contentedness in their role of being a mother. But I'm sure they would all say, "Been there!"

I never really understood how something so exhausting, stressful, and painful could also be so joyous, rewarding, and satisfying. It's like when, after a hard workout, someone says, "It hurts so good." Yeah, motherhood is like that...times 10. I think the biggest thing I have learned this past year, and maybe I've said this before, but it bears repeating in my mind. A common piece of advice I heard shortly before and after giving birth was, "Enjoy the time because it goes by so quickly," which is good advice. But something that really helped me was to remember that even the times that weren't so enjoyable (the nightly feedings every 2 hours, the time the vacuum was the only pacifier, the cry fest during a road trip) pass just as quickly. Everything is for a season, the good and the bad. Eventually that baby will sleep through the night, become more content and just like that they are an almost-walking inquisitive 1 year old who eats half of your scrambled eggs at breakfast.

So, (and I'm preaching to myself here!) soak in the moments - the good ones, the bad ones, the messy ones, the giggly ones - because that's where life is and that's where memories are made.

leap of faith

Today marks a day that I've been thinking about, working on, planning for, and praying about for months and months. For awhile now I've been dabbling in both photography and design, with the humble link on this blog being the only promoting I've ever done. I would always answer questions with something like, "Well, I'm not a real photographer or designer; it's just something I enjoy", which in my mind sort of gave me a way out if someone didn't like my work.  But I've never been satisfied with doing something half way, with just dipping a toe in the water. I want to go all in. So today I'm doing that. And although that feels really good, I'm completely terrified. As much as I'm a person who goes all in, I'm also a person who agonizes over every detail and feels like everything needs to be perfect before going all in, but there comes a point where you just have to jump, you have to have faith. I'm sure there's questions I haven't addressed, issues I haven't thought of, logistics that I haven't realized, but I'm not going to let that hold me back. After all, you have to start somewhere. So I invite you to visit my new website, where I will be posting all of my photography and design from now on. It is simple, but it's something I'm proud of.

Thank you, Tim, for being my biggest supporter and critique expert. I value your opinion, even if you still think the best design program is Excel.

john+dani // wedding sneak peek

A couple weeks ago, I had the privilege of photographing John and Dani's outdoor wedding and barn reception. We're talking old milk cans filled with wild flowers, twinkle lights strung all over inside a big barn, tree trunk slabs, mason jars, and a touch of glitter. It was such a blast, and not to mention beautiful. My favorite was capturing moments - the bridesmaids getting ready, the first look, the happy couple walking down the aisle as husband and wife. John and Dani were so easy to work with and photograph, and their families were graciously accommodating throughout the entire day.

The ceremony was scheduled to be outside and for days, weather forecasts said 0% chance of rain. Perfect. But wouldn't you know, an hour before the ceremony big rain clouds moved in and it started pouring. Everyone was immediately on their phones, checking the radar and convincing themselves that it would pass as quickly as it popped up. Luckily, it did and the sun came out 20 minutes before the wedding began, making for some beautiful sun-after-the-rain photos.

John and Dani - thanks for letting me capture the moments, happiness, and love of your big day. I wish you all the best. Cheers!

home

With summer in full swing, my days with an 8 month old seem to fill up much more quickly than I ever expected. I love this season of warm days, green grass, and "sunsets about 9." (I've always loved that Brad Paisley lyric.) And while much of my days are spent thinking about what new food to have Jack try or where we should go for a walk or how to make him laugh, lately my mind has been on the thought of "home."

Today my parents are moving out of the house I grew up in and away from my hometown. Although we moved around a couple of times while I was growing up, this place, six miles east of Marshall on four acres, has been home for the last 16 years.

This is where...
I went through the awkward teenage years
I learned to mow the lawn with a riding lawn mower
I grew to love living in the country, even if it meant riding my bike the 6 miles into town when Mom and Dad "wouldn't" give me a ride
I grew to love living in a small town
countless sleepovers and movie nights happened in the basement
we learned to say, "It'd be such a nice day if it wasn't so windy"
we could gauge how bad a blizzard was on whether or not we could see the mailbox
we frosted dozens of sugar cookies every Christmas
we repainted the downstairs bathroom 5 times
we took piano lessons
5-year-old Conner puked all over the stairs
the most dreaded chore was picking up sticks in the spring after the snow was gone
I was sick with a high fever for 6 days in Jr. High
we started the tradition of the "7th Grade Party"
my friends threw me a surprise party for my 21st birthday
I first heard about Lost Timber Bible Camp, where I met Tim
all our graduation parties were held in the garage
Dad read devotions after dinner
my sister and I got ready for prom
Tim proposed to me
we announced we were having a baby
where life has happened for 16 years

Ultimately, my parents moving is a good thing and has been a long time coming. Dad has been commuting 2 hours one-way for 5 long years. Mom has had her fair share of "snow emergencies" while Dad wasn't home. This needs to happen. And how it all happened is sort of a long story, but one that you look back on and can so clearly see God working through all the ups and downs. There truly is much to be thankful for, but it doesn't mean it's easy. Jack and I took one last trip home in June so I could clean out my closet and the storage tubs under my bed, which of course held countless treasures and memories. What's funny is that I was so preoccupied with taking care of Jack and going through my old stuff, that when I left I didn't really even think about it being my last time home until a ways down the road. But maybe it's better that way.

What's sort of crazy is that my parents are actually moving back to the city where we lived for 8 years during my early childhood. So while most of my kindergarten friends aren't there any more, it's unique in that my parents already have connections - some of their closest friends live just 5 minutes down the road. It's the polar opposite of the time we moved to Phoenix, AZ; the people, the landscape, the roads, and the restaurants are familiar, which will hopefully make it feel a little more like home a little faster.

You always hear people talk about how "home is wherever you make it" or "home isn't a house, it's the people," which I think is true to some extent, but I can't help but wonder what it will feel like to go "home" to a house I've never been to on a street that's not gravel. Or to walk down a Main Street that's unfamiliar with parallel parked cars I don't recognize. And as with any life change, there will come a new normal, but the acreage east of Marshall will always hold much of my heart and many of my memories.

Riley Jean // 1 year photos

Remember this precious little babe?

She just turned one and I had the chance to capture some photos of her a few days before her first birthday. With a frosted cake in front of them, it's always a toss up whether a one-year-old will go all out and get frosting on every inch of their body, be very dainty about it, or want nothing to do with it. Riley was somewhere in between the last two, and I think the photos are so priceless! And between rain showers we managed to get in some family photos.

wedding invitations // john+dani

'Tis the season for weddings, weddings, weddings! We have four this summer and fall, and I'm excited for every one of them. You know how sometimes you go to a wedding and it doesn't mean too much to you? Yeah, all of the weddings we're going to will be the exact opposite of that. So pumped! First up is John and Dani's wedding. For all of their wedding suite design, I took inspiration of Dani's wedding Pinterest board - vintage + soft hues + shabby chic at it's finest.

summer project // landscaping

Since moving into our house exactly two years ago, we've had a running list of projects big and small, inside and out. During our first summer, we tackled a lot of the smaller, inexpensive projects - painting, changing hardware on cabinets, adding lighting, etc. Last summer we added the deck, which we LOVE and use many evenings for supper and bird watching. This summer's big project was landscaping the front of the house. When we moved in, the landscaping looked like this:

It was completely overgrown with perennials, shrubs, and weeds. Don't mind the tub/cooler in the front lawn - we must have just gotten back from a camping trip. We knew we wanted to change it eventually, so shortly after we moved in, we tore everything out and have spent the last two years staring at a big dirt expanse in the front of our house which would inevitably fill up with small weeds during the summer. It was ugly. I'm sure our neighbors were just as excited as we were to get this project done.

Fast forward to three days ago. After getting a couple yards of dirt and rock dropped off, purchasing plants and shrubs, and hauling three car loads of landscape block, we were ready to begin. And by we, I mean Tim...while Jack and I supervised from the shade.

A couple weekends ago, we visited a local nursery to look at our plant options and ended up going with:

+ 1 lilac-colored azalea

+ 2 dwarf spruce trees

+ 2 prairie grass plants

+ 3 barberry bushes

And after 18 hours of hauling, spreading, measuring, cutting, and planting, it was complete and a BIG improvement from the overgrown daylilies/weed-invested mud hole. Tim did such a great job and along with master deck builder, he can now confidently add master landscaper to his resume. 

Other upcoming projects:
+ new landscape to the right of the front door
+ spruce up the sunroom
+ replace the front door
+ till up a garden plot

Memorial Day Weekend // the unofficial tradition

For the past several years, we have spent Memorial Day Weekend with Mike and Katie. It's almost become an unspoken/unofficial tradition. Tim and I weren't even dating when we first started this tradition. Through the years, we've spent the weekend on sections of the Superior Hiking Trail; last year we hung out in St. Cloud; and more often than not, we end up at their cabin. This year was a cabin year, and this year we added our kids into the mix. That still seems so crazy - we have kids! We ate good, spent 90% of the time outside, sat on the dock (with monitors in hand) after putting the kids to bed, and went for a hike with the babes, which I'm pretty sure Mike and Tim have been dreaming about for years. As always, it was a blast and refreshing to be around good friends.

Today I am...

Many thoughts are running through my head this morning, realizing that a lot has happened on this weekend in the past and I have much to be thankful for.

THANKFUL FOR

+ the sun that has finally come out from behind the endless rain clouds

+ friends and new babies

+ the newest edition to the Miller clan, Henry Michael

+ my mama
+ my almost 6-month-old boy who is getting so big
+ art projects and finally getting some things hung on the wall in Jack's room

REMINISCING ABOUT

+ 5 years ago - graduating from college
+ 2 years ago - preparing to move into our first house
+ 2 years ago - celebrating Mandy graduating from nursing school

+ 1 year ago - hearing Jack's heart beat for the first time

+ 1 year ago - leaving for our big Yellowstone/Grand Tetons trip and spending my *first* Mother's Day watching buffalo graze in Lamar Valley

life lessons // perspective

I am not surprised that since having a baby life has seemed to move faster than ever. Not only do the days and weeks seem to fly by, but things like eating and grocery shopping now only occur in hyper-mode since my boy's happiness trumps all. This was one of those things that everyone told me about, but you just don't really understand it until you're going through it. For the past almost-6-months, I haven't felt a sense of calm or relaxation. There are moments of rest when I feel like I can catch my breath, but the crazy far outweighs the calm. And for many weeks, I would think, "This is my life now. I will never eat my scrambled eggs in peace again. Tim and I will never have regular date nights without it being a production. I might not have a full night of sleep for years...etc. etc. etc." And then I start thinking, "And we only have one kid. It's only going to get harder and crazier from here on out!" I hate to admit this, but have even been moments when I've seen retired people having coffee at Target or working in their yard and envied them and the fact that they can take. their. time.

But God knows exactly what I need and when I need it. This past weekend, the women in our church got together for a retreat. It was a refreshing time of fellowship and God's word. It was my first time away from Jack for more than three hours, and it was just what I needed. Many people asked me if it was hard to leave him. Honestly, no. I knew he would be at home with Tim, safe and sound. And I knew I needed the time away to sit quietly, soak up the Word, and BEHOLD my Savior.

I came away with many nuggets of wisdom and things to work on (we studied the Proverbs 31 woman...hello), but one thing that I have already stuck in my Bible and want to read every morning is a passage that was shared Saturday morning. It's a version of Psalm 23.

THE LORD IS MY PACEMAKER

The Lord is my pacemaker - I shall not rush
He makes me stop and rest for quiet intervals
He provides me with images of stillness,
Which restore my serenity
He leads me in the ways of efficiency
Through calmness of mind,
And His guidance is peace

Even though I have a great many things to accomplish each day
I will not fret
For His presence is here
His timelessness, His importance
Will keep me in balance

He prepares refreshment and renewal
In the midst of my activity,
By anointing my mind
With oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows

Surely harmony and effectiveness
Shall be the fruits of my hours
For I shall walk in His house forever

Yes, my evenings of taking an hour to make an elaborate supper, mornings of sleeping in on Saturday mornings, and afternoons of reading and blogging may be over, it is only for a season. But I don't want to just merely view this as a season I have to get through. I want to enjoy this season with a joyous energy! Enjoy the fact that I'm blessed to spend everyday caring for my baby boy. Enjoy the fact that Jack hungry enough to eat two times in the middle of the night. Enjoy the fact that he weighs enough to make my back ache by the end of the day. Enjoy the fact that Tim and I now have to work as a team to get supper on the table. Enjoy the fact that when I do get a few minutes of "down time", it seems like such a huge gift. And enjoy the fact that date nights now look more like a bon fire in the backyard after Jack goes to bed. Blessings! Not just things to muddle through, but things that God has blessed me with! For I know that one day when I am retired and working in my garden, I will see a young mom pushing a stroller and wish I could get these precious, precious days back.

march :: a recap

Honestly, I'm glad March is behind us. I've just never been a fan of that "in-between" month. And even though I know April can be just as flippant with it's spring-like weather, just being able to say that it's April makes me feel better. Looking at the forecast for this week is a prime example: rain and thunderstorms yesterday, snow last night, sun tomorrow, snow on Friday, then sunny and 50s for the weekend. Talk about bi-polar.

In March…

• had a house full of family
• dedicated our baby to the Lord, which apparently really tired him out
• started cloth diapering, and so far I love it
• took Jack outside for the first time without having to bundle him up
• finally captured Jack's smile when he sees himself in a mirror
• had to dig the snow boots back out for a few days
• after weeks of a happy baby who slept through the night and take regularly scheduled naps, Jack seemed to regress to his 3-week-old self. Thought it was teeth = nope. Growth spurt = maybe. Payback for having too much pride that my baby was sleeping so well = probably.
• went home for a weekend so I could catch my breath/take some naps
• gave Jack a bath in the kitchen sink
• celebrated cousin Evie's 2nd birthday which meant bug tattoos for everyone, even the babe

Not pictured…

• Tim working/writing/studying like crazy for his grad school classes
• three stroller rides around the neighborhood for Jack on the nice days
• design projects for church and various weddings
• cleaning out my room at home and finding old high school art projects, diaries, key chains, and a jewelry box full of 2-dollar bills
• taking a nap in the sunroom for the first time this year
• watching classic Sesame Street episodes on Netflix with Jack
• chopped 10 inches off my hair
• our new evening routine after Jack is asleep: being in bed by 8:30 with mugs of hot tea, books, and Scrabble on the iPad

save the date design // john+dani

It's Friday! Even though I'm at home every day now, I still look forward and count down to Friday. It's always better to have my husband at home, but that's especially true now that there's a little rug rat in the mix. I get to eat breakfast at a leisurely pace for two mornings in a row! Yes! And this weekend is extra special - our parents and siblings are converging on our house for Jack's dedication at church on Sunday. It's going to be such a full, fun, and busy weekend. I love me a full house of family. Anyway...

Remember John and Dani's engagement photo session last fall? Seriously one of my faves ever. And now it's time to start working on their wedding design suite! So exciting. First up: their save-the-date postcard.

I love the way these turned out and incorporate the sort of shabby chic theme. Dani has great style and taste, and this is going to be one seriously cool and beautiful wedding.

all in a year

 

A year ago today, we found out we were having a baby and this picture was taken. A year ago! Crazy what can happen in a year. Fast forward to today…

…and I've got the cutest almost-4-months-old baby boy. And I'm so happy. I feel like it has taken awhile to get used to, and I know I've still got so many things to learn, but I'm starting to settle into the role of being a mother. As I'm sure any new mother can agree with, the days can seem endless and a constant cycle of feeding, changing, playing, holding, walking, and rocking. These are the days when any extra goals and tasks are done in short bursts between naps, and sometimes not even then when things like eating lunch and getting a quick nap take precedent over anything else. That used to bother me - to not have anything to "show" for my days spent at home. Sometimes not even loading or unloading the dishwasher. But my perspective has shifted and now instead of rushing through the nap routine so I can lay Jack down and cross off things on my to-do list, sometimes we just cuddle and I let him sleep in my arms because I know these days are going to fly by. I feel like I'm going to blink, and he'll be going to kindergarten. Just the thought of that makes me a little teary eyed.

I never knew how much I could love this little boy. I know first-time parents say this all the time, but I'm finding out just how true it is. Any time I hear a song or read something about babies growing up and cherishing the moments, I'm usually reduced to a puddle on the floor. My heart goes crazy and it's all I can do to restrain myself from sneaking into Jack's nursery and waking him up from his nap because I just love him. so. much. Yes, I am a sappy and proud mama and while I wish sometimes that I could slow down time, I know exciting things are ahead in the coming year - first foods, first words, crawling, walking, talking, and his first birthday cake. Crazy what can happen in a year.