postpartum // pain & healing

While I had an awesome, natural birth experience, my recovery was full of pain, tears, and learning. This post documents my road to recovery and is meant to be informational and an encouragement to new moms/moms-to-be who may experience some of the same things I did. So just know, if you're not a woman/not pregnant/not a mom, there may be a few awkward moments ahead. You've been warned.

While I was pregnant, I felt like I was constantly researching, reading, and seeking the wisdom of other mothers in regards to labor and delivery. I walked a mile nearly every day up until the end, hoping that would shimmy the baby into the right position and give me the strength needed to deliver a baby. We took awesome child birth classes with our doula, learning relaxation techniques and what the different stages of labor look like. I had a playlist ready of worship music to keep me calm and focused during labor. I ate plenty of protein in order to avoid things like pre-eclampsia. We had a birth plan written out and knew how we'd like the delivery to go. So when my water broke early in the morning on November 15th, I felt ready for the work of labor. And it paid off. I will always look back on Jack's birth story with fondness and awe that it went as well as it did.

What I wasn't prepared for were the days and weeks after giving birth. I don't want to freak out any new moms-to-be, but mean to say all this as an encouragement if your recovery experience is anything like mine and let you know that you're not alone! I'm not afraid to admit that I wasn't one of the "strong" women who appeared to be "back to normal" quickly. Recovery rocked my world, which is something I had never really heard anyone talk about. And maybe that's just because every woman, every body, every delivery is so different. Some women are good to go just a few days after delivery. Not me. Of course, I knew I would be sore and I figured nursing would be an adjustment, but I had no idea to what extent. For some reason, I thought by day 3 or 4, I'd feel like running errands to get out of the house. Ummm…I didn't leave the house, or even go outside, for days. I didn't even go to Jack's first doctor appointment because I wasn't sure I could make it across the parking lot. I had a pretty bad tear among other "bottom" issues from the delivery, which made everything a process since the smallest movement could be irritating. I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes because of the pain and pressure, which made it really interesting when I found out that a combination of bouncing and walking was just what soothed Jack at 2:00am. I dreaded having to go to the bathroom. Even rolling over in bed hurt. Healing quickly became my #2 priority, after taking care of Jack, which would not have been possible without the help and support of my mom, sister, and Tim who were constantly filling up my water bottle, making tea, holding Jack so I could sleep/eat, and making sure I was taking a bath at least 3 times a day. It was exhausting and a constant cycle of feed Jack, sleep, eat, feed Jack, sleep, bathe, feed Jack, etc.

I also thought nursing would be easier and that it would become a quiet time with my new baby that I'd look forward to. I knew there would be a learning curve, but I was really excited to nurse my baby. And while he was a champion eater from the very beginning, it was a shock to my body. By the time Jack was 2 weeks old, every nursing session was accompanied by dread and lots and lots of tears on my part. I had big cracks on each side that didn't close up and heal for 5 weeks. It took everything in me to let my baby nurse and to not pull away, the pain was so great. There were nights when he would latch on and I would just sob, dropping big elephant tears on his sweet head. People always say that the hardest thing about a new baby is how little sleep you get. Not me. In those moments, I remember thinking that I would happily take exhaustion any day over the raw pain of nursing. In the beginning, I just viewed it as something I had to fight through, as something that was fairly normal for a new mother to go through. But as the days and weeks ticked on and there was no improvement, and when I was in pain all the time, not just when I was breastfeeding, it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't do this any more. If it's always going to be like this, I don't think I can do it. But I have to do it for my baby. I want to, but if it's always going to hurt this bad… That was my thought cycle every day. And so I began to pray for my boobs, something I never ever thought I'd do! I prayed for healing, strength, perseverance, and patience. I changed my perspective and tried to view it as a blessing - a blessing that I had a precious, healthy baby to nurse, and a blessing that it was just "surface" pain and not pain from something like a chronic disease. And after much prayer, advice, and remedies, I can honestly say that I look forward to nursing Jack, even if it's in the middle of the night.

On top of both of these things, my emotions/ hormones were at an all time level of crazy and I would cry at the slightest thing. I'd look at Jack and cry. I'd talk to my mom about Christmas and cry. I'd try to stand up and cry. I'd nurse Jack and cry, from pain and from worrying if he was getting enough milk. Sometimes at the end of the day, I would just start crying for no apparent reason other than I just needed to cry. Crazy, crazy emotional. And while everyone tells you it's completely normal to feel like that, it doesn't make it any less awkward when your husband finds you standing at the bathroom sink sobbing and asks, "What's wrong?" and you honestly reply, "I have no idea!"

But I'm here to tell you, it does get better! You may not think so - I didn't for awhile - and it may take longer than you think, but healing will come. It has been a long road to get to where I'm at now, which is still not back to 100% of "normal", but much closer than I was a few weeks ago. I can now go to the grocery and not feel like I'm going to pass out after 10 minutes. I can nurse and not wince. And (most of the time) I can talk to my mom without crying. What helped? During all of this, I surrounded myself with worship and the Word, which brought much comfort and encouragement. "When I am weary, you are strong." Each week, I would put up a new 50 Promises card on the kitchen windowsill and meditate on it during the week. During middle of the night feedings, I would cue up my worship playlist and focus on the words of the songs to take my mind off the pain.

And then there were texts, calls, and emails full of words of encouragement from the few friends and family who knew what I was going through. You all know who you are and I cannot thank you enough for your friendship, love, and help when I was at my lowest. Never underestimate the power of encouraging words!

I also came to rely on an arsenal of products, some specific for postpartum mamas, some not. Below are the things that got me through each day and would make great gifts for any new mama.

1. Earth Mama Angel Baby Monthly Comfort Tea - this tea is made especially for postpartum recovery and helps with healing on the inside, i.e. raging hormones and a post-birth uterus. I had a cup of this every day for the first couple of weeks. It is honestly one of the best tasting teas I've ever had.
2. Earth Mama Angel Baby New Mama Bottom Spray - this cooling mist is full of all natural healers and soothers and would highly recommend it for any mom-to-be! Plus, it smells wonderful.
3. Plum Smart - going to the bathroom after having a baby is daunting. So along with plenty of water and fiber, this juice was a mainstay in the fridge for awhile. I don't hate prune juice, but this stuff is significantly more tasty.
4. Tucks Pads - okay, maybe another awkward product to talk about, but I'm way past awkward at this point. Soaked in all-natural witch hazel, these little pads work wonders for healing.
5. Motherlove Nipple Cream - at first, I used Lansinoh Cream, but found that it didn't do much more than moisturize. What I needed was healing. This organic cream moisturizes, heals, and protects.
6. Yoni Bath Postpartum Sitz Bath Herbal Tea - yet another awesome healing product I used daily for awhile. There are many types and brands of sitz bath tea out there, but I ordered mine from this great Etsy shop. Sandra happens to go to my in-laws church in Southwest Minnesota, and I was able to meet her one Sunday when we were there. She has great products in her shop including this great soaking tea. I threw one of these tea bags into the water every time I took a bath, and found that I could reuse a bag for several baths. Again, these are loaded with the natural power houses of healing agents like witch hazel, calendula, and comfrey root.
7. Nice shower gel - my mom brought a little basket of goodies to the hospital for me and a bottle of nice shower gel was one of the things she included. This may seem like a really insignificant product, but it was one of the things that made me feel normal during those first couple of weeks when life (and my body!) seemed anything but normal.
8. Target nursing tanks - is there anything Target can't do? Seriously. My sister gave me one as a birthday gift and I bought a second one because I loved it so much. I'm so glad I did. I would recommend having at least 2 of these tanks. They are comfy (which is a must), functional, and even cute.
9. Fun socks - just another thing that made me feel somewhat normal.