Jack's birth story // part 2

(…continued from part 1)

After being monitored for a few minutes, they wheeled me into the delivery room and we met the nurses who would be with me for the rest of my labor and delivery. The nurses quickly became very important to me because our doula had to leave and wouldn’t be able to come back to the hospital until around 9:00pm. It didn’t take too long to realize that Brenda, my main nurse, was a total God send. She made sure I was as comfortable as possible, changing the temperature in the room, turning the lights down, and constantly putting blankets on and off. Her demeanor, attitude, and the way she worked with me through the contractions was absolutely awesome. Between her and Tim, I learned how to deal with the increasingly intense contractions.

Even though I had decided that I wanted to give birth at the hospital, I was very intent on doing it as naturally as possible, and for the most part my doctor and nurses did a great job at honoring that. I was able to wear my own clothes and not be hooked up to an IV, two things that we had written in our birth plan that hung on the wall of the delivery room. Other important points were that I wanted the freedom to move around during labor, I didn’t want to be strapped to monitors, and I wanted the option of laboring in the whirlpool tub. But by the time I had climbed off of the triage bed they had wheeled me in on and climbed onto the bed in the delivery room, my contractions were so intense that I hardly moved the upright and seated position on the bed. I only moved from that position once to see what it felt like to labor on my hands and knees, which didn’t feel good at all, so I went back to just sitting in bed. Not what I was expecting at all, but it worked!

Around 6:00pm, I had dilated to 5cm. A little more disappointment. I had been working so hard and this was the point where I was starting to think that I couldn’t do it. After several hard contractions, I turned to Tim and said, “ I don’t think I can do this. I need something!” But he was so awesome and would squeeze me hand, get right in my face, and say, “Yes you can! You can do this! You’re doing so good.” But in my mind I just kept thinking, “I’m only halfway to be fully dilated. How am I going to do this?!” I learned that slow even breathing and low noises worked much better than quick breaths and high-pitched noises. So with each contraction, I would look straight ahead, focusing on keeping my composure, and breathing. This must have worked because by 7:30pm I was almost completely dilated and I had very strong urges to start pushing that were getting harder to control. At one point, there were no nurses in the room, it was just Tim and I and as I felt the overwhelming urges to push, I frantically said to Tim, “Where is everybody?!” I was so sure that the baby was going to start coming before the doctor was even there.

When Brenda came back in the room, she knew I was getting close to the end of labor and beginning of delivery. I vaguely remember nurses scurrying about the room, getting everything set up for the arrival of our baby. When the doctor came in, I knew I must be getting close to the full out pushing stage. At this point, I just kept thinking, “Please let the pushing go fast.” I was scared of what it’d be like to push for 2 or 3 hours, wondering if I had what it would take.

After all of our research and knowledge gained from the birthing classes with our doula, the last thing I thought I’d do would be to push while on my back. But that’s what happened. In the end, it felt the best and it worked well for me. With each contraction coming on about a minute apart, there wasn’t much rest and I was constantly fluxuating between being cold and hot. Brenda and Tim were absolutely amazing during the pushing phase. They kept telling me how awesome I was doing, coaching me through feeling when I was pushing effectively and when I wasn’t. I worked very hard and about a half hour into pushing, Brenda said I was so close to meeting our baby. What great motivation! As the doctor readied herself, I knew I was close. I also knew I was close when Tim said he could see that our baby had dark hair!

Pushing was a lot different than I thought it would be. It was almost a relief from the contractions. The atmosphere in the room was calm. Although there were nurses preparing for the arrival of a baby, things were hushed. I didn’t feel frantic, just focused on working the hardest I could with each contraction. As the baby moved further and further down, Brenda kept saying, “This is it! You are so close!” Between her rotating in cold rags on my neck and forehead, and Tim giving me sips from water, I gained a little bit of energy between contractions. And since I knew this baby would be here in a matter of minutes not hours, I gave it my all. And then just like that, I heard, “There’s the head!” and the rest of the baby soon followed.

As I watched the doctor take the baby and place it on my chest, Tim said, “It’s a boy!” We have a son! Another completely surreal moment. And he was right there on my chest, gulping in oxygen and letting out some cries. As they handed me a blanket, all I could do was clutch him close to my chest and look at Tim through watery eyes. What a miracle! Our baby was here, Jack Donald Miller –born at 8:59pm, 8lbs. 13oz., 20.5 inches long.

As I was holding Jack on my chest and looking into his eyes for the very first time, Annie came in. She started taking priceless pictures of the first few minutes of us as a family of three and began coaching me in breastfeeding. Jack stayed on my chest for the first hour and a half, awake and content.

I had a pretty bad tear from the delivery, and the pain and pressure of being stitched up was truly one of the hardest parts of the experience. Luckily, there was a warm wiggly baby on my chest to distract me. I was weak, hungry, and shaky so Brenda brought in some warm blankets to cover me as I snuggled Jack and I sucked on a honey stick to regain some energy. My next thought was, “I need some real food.” I wanted something fresh, so Brenda ordered me turkey sandwich and a big bowl of fruit.

The next order of business: start calling our families and friends. Tim started making the rounds of phone calls to the expectant grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends. It was so fun listening to him announce, “We have a son!” A lot of times I could hear the muffled excitement on the other end when he said the baby was here. It was around 10:30 when we started calling people. I thought it was going to be too late, but everyone was awake and awaiting the news. One of the first things everyone wanted to know of course was how much he weighed, which was funny because at that point in the night, we didn’t even know! After I delivered him, he was on my chest for awhile – the nurses checked him right there and we hadn’t put him on the scale yet. So finally around 11:00pm we put him on the scale, and I was so surprised (and Tim was so proud) how much he weighed! A healthy, sturdy baby boy. What a blessing.

After I had eaten some food and Jack was wrapped up in Tim’s arms, I got to soak in a deep Jacuzzi bath tub for awhile, which felt absolutely amazing. Once I got cleaned up, we moved into the post-delivery recovery room. By this time it was well past midnight and Tim and I were both exhausted. We had written on our birth plan that we wanted to give Jack his first bath, but by this point, Tim could hardly keep his eyes open and I could hardly stand up from soreness and exhaustion. So our nurse gave him a bath, wrapped him up, and handed him to me. Tim laid out his sleeping bag on the couch in our room and was asleep within seconds. I was tired, but still had a total adrenaline rush from giving birth and was speechless at the fact that after months of waiting and praying and anticipating, I was finally holding our warm, fuzzy-headed baby in my arms. I was overwhelmed with love for this little life and gratitude to the Lord for giving me the strength I needed that day. It was a day I’ll never, ever forget.

Jack's birth story // part 1

It still seems sort of unreal that I have my own birth story to tell. For so long I've read about and cried tears of joy over other women's stories, and now I have my own! And it's something I'll never forget.

From the beginning, I knew I wanted to approach the birth of our baby as naturally as possible. We met with an area midwife, researched home birth vs. birth centers vs. the hospital, talked to other moms from our church, and met with a couple doulas. In the end, I decided I would feel most comfortable at the hospital and I felt confident that a natural birth would be possible at the hospital. My doctor was on board with our wishes from the beginning, which was very important, and our doula helped us write out a specific birth plan to bring to the hospital to keep the nurses informed about what I wanted and what I didn't. There are lots of scary hospital-birth stories out there, but I can honestly say I had a great experience. The nurses were considerate and helpful and the room was warm and inviting. Tim had to be my advocate and speak up and ask questions when they wanted to do something I wasn't on board with, but they were always obliging. And the deep jacuzzi tub filled with steaming hot water they have waiting for you after you give birth…amazing.

On November 14^th, I had my 39 week appointment and everything was looking great – I was dilated about 3cm and the doctor said the baby was sitting very low. I felt great and even scheduled a 41 week appointment just in case. I felt really encouraged that I had already started dilating, which I attribute to all the 1-mile morning walks I took since very early in the pregnancy. I went to bed that night as usual – a back rub from Tim before crawling into bed surrounded by four different pillows. But for some reason my lower back hurt and I couldn’t get comfortable. Early in the night, Tim moved to the downstairs bedroom because I was snoring. I woke up about every hour to either pee or from being uncomfortable. In the middle of the night, I warmed up the bed buddy because the pain in my back was getting a little intense. Around 5:30 in the morning, I got up to pee, went back to bed, and as I laid back down, it felt like I was peeing my pants. I ran back to the bathroom and realized my water was breaking! We were going to meet our baby soon!

I walked downstairs and woke Tim up around 5:40 and said, “I think my water just broke.” And with that we both sprung into action. Contractions hadn’t started yet, so I went back upstairs and put on the clothes I wanted to labor in, finished packing my bag for the hospital, and made a piece of peanut butter toast for breakfast because I knew I would need the energy later on. I even washed my face and put make up on. When the bags were on the table, the camera was set out, and I had called my mom and texted my sister, I plugged in my iPod, set it to the Baby Time playlist, and prayed with Tim in the kitchen, knowing that today was going to be a big day. I felt very excited, but calm.

Around 7:30am I started to feel contractions – nothing major, but they were definitely there. I started walking all around the house and doing laps up and down the stairs. Since we knew it’d be awhile, Tim made a big breakfast of eggs and hash browns because he knew he’d need some energy later on, too.

The back pain that I had all night only grew more intense with the contractions. I was a victim of back labor and it wasn’t pretty. I ended up throwing up a few times because of it. If Tim rubbed my back really hard for a few minutes, the pain would subside for awhile. When the back labor was not very intense, I would walk. When the back labor would set it, I would lean over the back of the recliner. And when my legs got tired from leaning and swaying, I bounced on the yoga ball. The contractions were consistent – around 25 to 30 seconds long and coming about every 5 minutes, until 11:00am when they would come about 10 minutes apart. I was afraid I was stalling out, so I called Annie, our doula, for some advice. She asked if I was tired – yes! I hadn’t slept very good the night before and I had now been laboring for 5 hours. She said it was my body telling me to rest. So we queued up Parks and Recreation on Netflix and I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up about an hour later to contractions that were much stronger. Progress!

From noon until 3:00pm, I started needing Tim with each contraction. Sometimes I would just grab his hand, sometimes I would sort of hang on his neck and sway. At this point contractions were lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to a minute and sometimes even longer, and coming on every 3 to 5 minutes. We called our doula again around 3:00pm and to let her know we would be heading to the hospital soon so she could meet us there.

The car ride to the hospital was surreal and seemed to take forever. At one point, we were stopped at a red light and there were two kids walking home from school, waiting on the corner for the light to turn green. I was so scared that I was going to have a contraction right then and they’d see me looking like a crazy woman, breathing heavy and clutching the door. We pulled into the parking ramp at the hospital and were trying to figure out what bags to bring in right away, and I puked…again. As that was happening, a nurse just getting off her shift happened to walk by. She asked if I was okay and Tim explained that I was in labor. Just a few seconds later, a security officer drove past, so she asked him to have someone get a wheelchair so I wouldn’t have to try to walk all the way to the Family Birthing Center. Thank you, Jesus!

Annie was waiting for us up in the Family Birthing Center. After checking in around 4:00pm, they took me to a labor triage room where they monitored how the baby was doing, took my blood pressure, and checked to see how I was dilating. I was so sure I’d be somewhere between 5 and 7cm since just the day before at my 39 week doctor appointment I was already at 3cm. At this point, I had to be fairly focused during every contraction. After checking me, the nurse said I was between 3-4cm dilated. I was pretty disappointed, to say the least. In my head, that meant I had soooooo far to go.

(to be continued…)

lately...

the snow has been piling up - we got about 10 inches through the course of last week

when it's not warm enough to snow, it's been cold cold cold, as in highs that are below zero

mom and dad came for a visit

Tim and I went on our first date

I finally joined the world of Instagram

bought post-baby jeans at the Gap factory store in town for $12

made sweet and sour pork chops recipe twice from The Family Flavor cookbook

can't get enough of Jack's many smiles and coos 

Jack has been taking 2 hour naps during the day and sleeping 5-6 hours straight at night

listening to the hymns station on Pandora

dreaming about and planning a 2015 road trip to the Southwest (AZ and NM, not MN)

dreaming about warm days and stroller walks around our neighborhood

postpartum // pain & healing

While I had an awesome, natural birth experience, my recovery was full of pain, tears, and learning. This post documents my road to recovery and is meant to be informational and an encouragement to new moms/moms-to-be who may experience some of the same things I did. So just know, if you're not a woman/not pregnant/not a mom, there may be a few awkward moments ahead. You've been warned.

While I was pregnant, I felt like I was constantly researching, reading, and seeking the wisdom of other mothers in regards to labor and delivery. I walked a mile nearly every day up until the end, hoping that would shimmy the baby into the right position and give me the strength needed to deliver a baby. We took awesome child birth classes with our doula, learning relaxation techniques and what the different stages of labor look like. I had a playlist ready of worship music to keep me calm and focused during labor. I ate plenty of protein in order to avoid things like pre-eclampsia. We had a birth plan written out and knew how we'd like the delivery to go. So when my water broke early in the morning on November 15th, I felt ready for the work of labor. And it paid off. I will always look back on Jack's birth story with fondness and awe that it went as well as it did.

What I wasn't prepared for were the days and weeks after giving birth. I don't want to freak out any new moms-to-be, but mean to say all this as an encouragement if your recovery experience is anything like mine and let you know that you're not alone! I'm not afraid to admit that I wasn't one of the "strong" women who appeared to be "back to normal" quickly. Recovery rocked my world, which is something I had never really heard anyone talk about. And maybe that's just because every woman, every body, every delivery is so different. Some women are good to go just a few days after delivery. Not me. Of course, I knew I would be sore and I figured nursing would be an adjustment, but I had no idea to what extent. For some reason, I thought by day 3 or 4, I'd feel like running errands to get out of the house. Ummm…I didn't leave the house, or even go outside, for days. I didn't even go to Jack's first doctor appointment because I wasn't sure I could make it across the parking lot. I had a pretty bad tear among other "bottom" issues from the delivery, which made everything a process since the smallest movement could be irritating. I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes because of the pain and pressure, which made it really interesting when I found out that a combination of bouncing and walking was just what soothed Jack at 2:00am. I dreaded having to go to the bathroom. Even rolling over in bed hurt. Healing quickly became my #2 priority, after taking care of Jack, which would not have been possible without the help and support of my mom, sister, and Tim who were constantly filling up my water bottle, making tea, holding Jack so I could sleep/eat, and making sure I was taking a bath at least 3 times a day. It was exhausting and a constant cycle of feed Jack, sleep, eat, feed Jack, sleep, bathe, feed Jack, etc.

I also thought nursing would be easier and that it would become a quiet time with my new baby that I'd look forward to. I knew there would be a learning curve, but I was really excited to nurse my baby. And while he was a champion eater from the very beginning, it was a shock to my body. By the time Jack was 2 weeks old, every nursing session was accompanied by dread and lots and lots of tears on my part. I had big cracks on each side that didn't close up and heal for 5 weeks. It took everything in me to let my baby nurse and to not pull away, the pain was so great. There were nights when he would latch on and I would just sob, dropping big elephant tears on his sweet head. People always say that the hardest thing about a new baby is how little sleep you get. Not me. In those moments, I remember thinking that I would happily take exhaustion any day over the raw pain of nursing. In the beginning, I just viewed it as something I had to fight through, as something that was fairly normal for a new mother to go through. But as the days and weeks ticked on and there was no improvement, and when I was in pain all the time, not just when I was breastfeeding, it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't do this any more. If it's always going to be like this, I don't think I can do it. But I have to do it for my baby. I want to, but if it's always going to hurt this bad… That was my thought cycle every day. And so I began to pray for my boobs, something I never ever thought I'd do! I prayed for healing, strength, perseverance, and patience. I changed my perspective and tried to view it as a blessing - a blessing that I had a precious, healthy baby to nurse, and a blessing that it was just "surface" pain and not pain from something like a chronic disease. And after much prayer, advice, and remedies, I can honestly say that I look forward to nursing Jack, even if it's in the middle of the night.

On top of both of these things, my emotions/ hormones were at an all time level of crazy and I would cry at the slightest thing. I'd look at Jack and cry. I'd talk to my mom about Christmas and cry. I'd try to stand up and cry. I'd nurse Jack and cry, from pain and from worrying if he was getting enough milk. Sometimes at the end of the day, I would just start crying for no apparent reason other than I just needed to cry. Crazy, crazy emotional. And while everyone tells you it's completely normal to feel like that, it doesn't make it any less awkward when your husband finds you standing at the bathroom sink sobbing and asks, "What's wrong?" and you honestly reply, "I have no idea!"

But I'm here to tell you, it does get better! You may not think so - I didn't for awhile - and it may take longer than you think, but healing will come. It has been a long road to get to where I'm at now, which is still not back to 100% of "normal", but much closer than I was a few weeks ago. I can now go to the grocery and not feel like I'm going to pass out after 10 minutes. I can nurse and not wince. And (most of the time) I can talk to my mom without crying. What helped? During all of this, I surrounded myself with worship and the Word, which brought much comfort and encouragement. "When I am weary, you are strong." Each week, I would put up a new 50 Promises card on the kitchen windowsill and meditate on it during the week. During middle of the night feedings, I would cue up my worship playlist and focus on the words of the songs to take my mind off the pain.

And then there were texts, calls, and emails full of words of encouragement from the few friends and family who knew what I was going through. You all know who you are and I cannot thank you enough for your friendship, love, and help when I was at my lowest. Never underestimate the power of encouraging words!

I also came to rely on an arsenal of products, some specific for postpartum mamas, some not. Below are the things that got me through each day and would make great gifts for any new mama.

1. Earth Mama Angel Baby Monthly Comfort Tea - this tea is made especially for postpartum recovery and helps with healing on the inside, i.e. raging hormones and a post-birth uterus. I had a cup of this every day for the first couple of weeks. It is honestly one of the best tasting teas I've ever had.
2. Earth Mama Angel Baby New Mama Bottom Spray - this cooling mist is full of all natural healers and soothers and would highly recommend it for any mom-to-be! Plus, it smells wonderful.
3. Plum Smart - going to the bathroom after having a baby is daunting. So along with plenty of water and fiber, this juice was a mainstay in the fridge for awhile. I don't hate prune juice, but this stuff is significantly more tasty.
4. Tucks Pads - okay, maybe another awkward product to talk about, but I'm way past awkward at this point. Soaked in all-natural witch hazel, these little pads work wonders for healing.
5. Motherlove Nipple Cream - at first, I used Lansinoh Cream, but found that it didn't do much more than moisturize. What I needed was healing. This organic cream moisturizes, heals, and protects.
6. Yoni Bath Postpartum Sitz Bath Herbal Tea - yet another awesome healing product I used daily for awhile. There are many types and brands of sitz bath tea out there, but I ordered mine from this great Etsy shop. Sandra happens to go to my in-laws church in Southwest Minnesota, and I was able to meet her one Sunday when we were there. She has great products in her shop including this great soaking tea. I threw one of these tea bags into the water every time I took a bath, and found that I could reuse a bag for several baths. Again, these are loaded with the natural power houses of healing agents like witch hazel, calendula, and comfrey root.
7. Nice shower gel - my mom brought a little basket of goodies to the hospital for me and a bottle of nice shower gel was one of the things she included. This may seem like a really insignificant product, but it was one of the things that made me feel normal during those first couple of weeks when life (and my body!) seemed anything but normal.
8. Target nursing tanks - is there anything Target can't do? Seriously. My sister gave me one as a birthday gift and I bought a second one because I loved it so much. I'm so glad I did. I would recommend having at least 2 of these tanks. They are comfy (which is a must), functional, and even cute.
9. Fun socks - just another thing that made me feel somewhat normal.

blessings and worship and a baby

Oh hello, little blog! So glad you're still here after my 8 week hiatus due to a cute little somebody coming into our lives. It has been the happiest/craziest/hardest/most exhausting 8 weeks I've ever experienced, and I knew it would be but you never truly know and understand until your in the trenches of pain, 2 am feedings, worry, puke, and diapers. But more on all that later…

It is a balmy -21 degrees with a windchill of -47 degrees today. The fireplace is roaring and Jack and I are preparing to have a long snuggle/nap session this afternoon to the tune of The Office and fleece blankets. I've already eaten breakfast, showered, and nursed Jack, who is now snoozing in his swing, so I'm feeling particularly productive and cozy on this Monday morning. Just within the past week, Jack is starting to get into a little routine and I've been able to count on things like eating, quiet time, naps, and checking my email. It's been awesome, and something I am not taking for granted! I read this this morning in "My Utmost for His Highest":

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love gift. Take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. If you hoard a thing for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded. God will never let you hold a spiritual thing for yourself, it has to be given back to Him that He may make it a blessing to others.

I couldn't help but think that the blessing the text talked about was this new little life God has given us. We must commit him and his life to the Lord so He can do great things through Jack.Yes, as a mother I'd love to keep him under my wing of protection to shield him from the hurt, pain, and trials of this world, but as parents we are commanded to dedicate our child to God, the one who gave us this blessing in the first place.

I am so amazed at how much joy and pride my baby brings me. I honestly think he is the cutest baby boy I've ever seen. :) And yes, for the first few weeks, he didn't do much except eat, sleep, poop, and cry. But just within the past week or so, he's started cracking smiles, cooing, and showing us how strong he is with his crazy kicking. It's crazy how much my heart bursts when he looks up at me and cracks a little side grin and then lets out a little gurgle. I have LOVED the newborn stage where it's all about a tiny, cuddly baby, but I'm so excited for this next phase of development - when he's still small and cuddly, but also so smiley and responsive. Love it!