fear + surrender

Have you ever had a lightbulb moment? Where all of a sudden, it's like a lightbulb is flicked on and you see a situation in a completely different light. I had a total lightbulb moment this past weekend. We had our church's annual women's retreat, which I would describe in one word as... no, I don't think it's possible to describe it in just one word. It was uplifting, refreshing, challenging, heartbreaking, overwhelming, Holy Spirit-filled and full full full of Biblical teaching, delicious food, sweet fellowship, and beautiful worship. There are few things that make me cry like sitting in the midst of a worship service with fellow believers; that is one of my most favorite things.

There were so many nuggets of wisdom, advice, and truth that came out of this past weekend, but the one that really hit me was about fear. I realized that SO much of what I do AND don't do revolves around fear. This was the first part of my lightbulb moment. I am such a Type A + control freak + peace keeper that I fear so many things and the words "taking a risk" are hardly in my vocabulary. Give me comfortable, predictable, routine...please and thank you. But as one of the women during the weekend was sharing about fear, she said something that had never even crossed my mind.

What could fear be holding you back from? Are you missing out on something beautiful/inspiring/breathtaking because of fear?

Woah. What friendships, moments, sunrises, conversations, blessings have I missed out on in my life because I was too afraid to reach out and be a friend? Because I was too afraid it might be awkward? Because I was too afraid of bears? Because I was too afraid of failing? Because I was too afraid of not looking like I have it all together?

So often I sit and pray for God to bring something into my life - friendships, adventure, passion - and I feel like I've been wondering and waiting for so long, thinking, "God, why aren't you answering me?!" But now I'm starting to see that maybe He has these things ready and waiting for me, but I need to be the one to pursue them. I need to stop sitting in fear and start standing in surrender, knowing that sure, something scary could still happen, some situation could still be really awkward, but at least in surrendering to Him, He's got my back and He knows what He's doing. And in that there is no fear, only peace.

"...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." - Hebrews 12:1

life as mama

First of all, thanks for all the love after my last post! It means everything to me to have such great encouragers and people who push me and challenge me. I really mean that.

My baby will be 1 year old in two days! A whole year! A year ago, I was waddling around the house, whipping up freezer meals and scrubbing the tub because I knew that once the baby was born, things like cleaning and cooking would come to a halt for awhile. This past year has really flown by, but when do I not say that? I think life will always seem to move at pace that is two notches too fast, so I'm learning to soak in the moments and the days. Was it Anne Lammott that said, "The days are long, but the years are short"? Maybe not, but somebody said that and ever since Jack came into our lives, that quote is so true. While I have learned immense amounts about motherhood this past year, I feel like I'm still growing into it. We have great routine days (which I love) and spending my days feeding and playing with and caring for Jack are genuinely enjoyable with a lot fewer, "I don't know what you want" statements. But sometimes when I'm sitting on the cold wood floor in his room watching him play (i.e. pull everything out of his dresser drawers), it's still hard for me to imagine that this is the rest of my life. Yes, it's true what "they" say about being a mother; it's incredibly rewarding and your heart swells with more love than you ever thought possible. But I still find myself dreaming of my life before I was a mama which inevitably turns into a big guilt fest which quickly fades because Jack starts belly laughing at a stuffed animal which makes me feel like I've been given the greatest gift in the world which reminds me just how much work it is to raise a child which makes me want a break...and 'round and 'round.

After graduating from college, it was a bit of a bumpy ride for me adjusting to real life. Up until that point, all I had known in life was school. Events were planned around school, things were learned in school, friends were made at school, goals were set because of school. While in school, no matter what grade, there was always something to strive after - grades, tests, extracurricular activities, graduation. And then suddenly after graduating from college, there was no school and nothing to work towards and I honestly felt lost. Even after getting a "real life" job, it still felt like I had nothing to work toward. But I eventually settled into the new way of life; it just took much longer than I ever expected.

So maybe it's the same with motherhood. Will there come a time when I feel settled in this new role and can look back on life before motherhood with fond memories, but knowing that what I have now is so much better? And the thing is, I know that what I have now is such a gift and is so incredibly precious. It's just that, when my head hits the pillow at night, it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I have an almost-one-year-old who someday will be 5 and 14 and 22(!). It's hard to imagine the seasoned mothers I know feeling like this since mothering seems to exude from them in the form of hearty casseroles, handmade sock monkeys, larger-than-life faith in the midst of trials, and a general ease and contentedness in their role of being a mother. But I'm sure they would all say, "Been there!"

I never really understood how something so exhausting, stressful, and painful could also be so joyous, rewarding, and satisfying. It's like when, after a hard workout, someone says, "It hurts so good." Yeah, motherhood is like that...times 10. I think the biggest thing I have learned this past year, and maybe I've said this before, but it bears repeating in my mind. A common piece of advice I heard shortly before and after giving birth was, "Enjoy the time because it goes by so quickly," which is good advice. But something that really helped me was to remember that even the times that weren't so enjoyable (the nightly feedings every 2 hours, the time the vacuum was the only pacifier, the cry fest during a road trip) pass just as quickly. Everything is for a season, the good and the bad. Eventually that baby will sleep through the night, become more content and just like that they are an almost-walking inquisitive 1 year old who eats half of your scrambled eggs at breakfast.

So, (and I'm preaching to myself here!) soak in the moments - the good ones, the bad ones, the messy ones, the giggly ones - because that's where life is and that's where memories are made.

leap of faith

Today marks a day that I've been thinking about, working on, planning for, and praying about for months and months. For awhile now I've been dabbling in both photography and design, with the humble link on this blog being the only promoting I've ever done. I would always answer questions with something like, "Well, I'm not a real photographer or designer; it's just something I enjoy", which in my mind sort of gave me a way out if someone didn't like my work.  But I've never been satisfied with doing something half way, with just dipping a toe in the water. I want to go all in. So today I'm doing that. And although that feels really good, I'm completely terrified. As much as I'm a person who goes all in, I'm also a person who agonizes over every detail and feels like everything needs to be perfect before going all in, but there comes a point where you just have to jump, you have to have faith. I'm sure there's questions I haven't addressed, issues I haven't thought of, logistics that I haven't realized, but I'm not going to let that hold me back. After all, you have to start somewhere. So I invite you to visit my new website, where I will be posting all of my photography and design from now on. It is simple, but it's something I'm proud of.

Thank you, Tim, for being my biggest supporter and critique expert. I value your opinion, even if you still think the best design program is Excel.

john+dani // wedding sneak peek

A couple weeks ago, I had the privilege of photographing John and Dani's outdoor wedding and barn reception. We're talking old milk cans filled with wild flowers, twinkle lights strung all over inside a big barn, tree trunk slabs, mason jars, and a touch of glitter. It was such a blast, and not to mention beautiful. My favorite was capturing moments - the bridesmaids getting ready, the first look, the happy couple walking down the aisle as husband and wife. John and Dani were so easy to work with and photograph, and their families were graciously accommodating throughout the entire day.

The ceremony was scheduled to be outside and for days, weather forecasts said 0% chance of rain. Perfect. But wouldn't you know, an hour before the ceremony big rain clouds moved in and it started pouring. Everyone was immediately on their phones, checking the radar and convincing themselves that it would pass as quickly as it popped up. Luckily, it did and the sun came out 20 minutes before the wedding began, making for some beautiful sun-after-the-rain photos.

John and Dani - thanks for letting me capture the moments, happiness, and love of your big day. I wish you all the best. Cheers!

home

With summer in full swing, my days with an 8 month old seem to fill up much more quickly than I ever expected. I love this season of warm days, green grass, and "sunsets about 9." (I've always loved that Brad Paisley lyric.) And while much of my days are spent thinking about what new food to have Jack try or where we should go for a walk or how to make him laugh, lately my mind has been on the thought of "home."

Today my parents are moving out of the house I grew up in and away from my hometown. Although we moved around a couple of times while I was growing up, this place, six miles east of Marshall on four acres, has been home for the last 16 years.

This is where...
I went through the awkward teenage years
I learned to mow the lawn with a riding lawn mower
I grew to love living in the country, even if it meant riding my bike the 6 miles into town when Mom and Dad "wouldn't" give me a ride
I grew to love living in a small town
countless sleepovers and movie nights happened in the basement
we learned to say, "It'd be such a nice day if it wasn't so windy"
we could gauge how bad a blizzard was on whether or not we could see the mailbox
we frosted dozens of sugar cookies every Christmas
we repainted the downstairs bathroom 5 times
we took piano lessons
5-year-old Conner puked all over the stairs
the most dreaded chore was picking up sticks in the spring after the snow was gone
I was sick with a high fever for 6 days in Jr. High
we started the tradition of the "7th Grade Party"
my friends threw me a surprise party for my 21st birthday
I first heard about Lost Timber Bible Camp, where I met Tim
all our graduation parties were held in the garage
Dad read devotions after dinner
my sister and I got ready for prom
Tim proposed to me
we announced we were having a baby
where life has happened for 16 years

Ultimately, my parents moving is a good thing and has been a long time coming. Dad has been commuting 2 hours one-way for 5 long years. Mom has had her fair share of "snow emergencies" while Dad wasn't home. This needs to happen. And how it all happened is sort of a long story, but one that you look back on and can so clearly see God working through all the ups and downs. There truly is much to be thankful for, but it doesn't mean it's easy. Jack and I took one last trip home in June so I could clean out my closet and the storage tubs under my bed, which of course held countless treasures and memories. What's funny is that I was so preoccupied with taking care of Jack and going through my old stuff, that when I left I didn't really even think about it being my last time home until a ways down the road. But maybe it's better that way.

What's sort of crazy is that my parents are actually moving back to the city where we lived for 8 years during my early childhood. So while most of my kindergarten friends aren't there any more, it's unique in that my parents already have connections - some of their closest friends live just 5 minutes down the road. It's the polar opposite of the time we moved to Phoenix, AZ; the people, the landscape, the roads, and the restaurants are familiar, which will hopefully make it feel a little more like home a little faster.

You always hear people talk about how "home is wherever you make it" or "home isn't a house, it's the people," which I think is true to some extent, but I can't help but wonder what it will feel like to go "home" to a house I've never been to on a street that's not gravel. Or to walk down a Main Street that's unfamiliar with parallel parked cars I don't recognize. And as with any life change, there will come a new normal, but the acreage east of Marshall will always hold much of my heart and many of my memories.